There is nothing quite that takes the wind out of your sails as learning your partner has lied to you. Whether a blatant lie, an omitted detail for convenience, or just that nagging suspicion that something isn’t right, dishonesty in a relationship can leave you reeling to your very foundation. You’ll find yourself rehashing past conversations, questioning your memory, or questioning whether you’re seeing things. If this is something that sounds all too real, know you’re not alone—and you’re not necessarily without recourse.
Deceit in relationships appears in so many ways. Sometimes it’s the blatant variety, such as when your partner tells you they were working late, but they have a receipt that says otherwise. Other times, however, it’s not so easy to spot. They may withhold important information, deflect answering your questions directly, or provide you with evasive answers that make you feel uneasy. Then there’s gaslighting—the worst type—where your partner makes a deliberate attempt to make you question your memory or perception of reality.
So why would people lie to someone they love? The reasons are different. Some lie to avoid conflict, believing that telling the truth could cause fights or disappointment. Others are attempting to safeguard their reputation, concealing things they are embarrassed about or that are incompatible with the impression of themselves they have chosen to present to you. Some are preventing repercussions, attempting to avoid blame or censure. And in worse situations, dishonesty is used as a means of controlling or manipulating. For individuals who came up in contexts where honesty resulted in punishment or instability, the behavior of lying could be an instinctive self-protection.
Deceit hurts hard because honesty forms the core of any intimate relationship. Once honesty is broken, you can’t even feel safe or vulnerable with the person. You tend to withdraw, constructing emotional barriers so you won’t get hurt further. The constant question mark hovering in your mind keeps you anxious, constantly on the lookout for signals that all is not well. And if gaslighting comes into the equation, then you start questioning your mind, and that can severely impact your emotional health.
Contrary to what crime dramas and movies would have us believe, catching a lie is not always so easy. Sure, there are indications—fidgeting, not meeting eyes, tales that don’t quite add up—but those behaviors can also present when a person is simply tired, distracted, or generally socially inept. Conversely, a habitual liar may be extraordinarily skilled at it—ramrod-straight, confident, smooth, and persuasive.
For others, dishonesty is not just a one-time fib but a habit. Chronic lying, or pathological lying, may be linked to underlying conditions such as personality disorders or unresolved trauma. Eventually, even the brain adapts to lying and makes it easier and less stressful the more frequently it occurs. That’s why it can be such a slippery slope.
There are some relationship dynamics that make it more probable for lying to occur. Codependency is a large one. In a codependent relationship, one partner will tend to give up their needs for things to run smoothly, and the other will become dependent on that imbalance, sometimes using it to get what they want. With that type of arrangement, it will seem like an extremely difficult task to require honesty or establish boundaries, which gets both individuals trapped in mistrust.
If you do suspect your partner of not being truthful with you, the first thing to do is get clear about how you feel. Wait until you feel calm and centered before approaching the conversation. When you do, attempt to speak in an intimate, neutral environment where both of you can feel comfortable. Be concerned with feelings and what you’ve noticed, not accusations. I” statements might be helpful—so too are open-ended questions that lead to actual conversation rather than defensiveness. Listen not only to what is being said, but how it’s being said. Are their explanations solid? Are they owning up?
If your partner answers with honesty, accountability, and a desire to do better, there is room to rebuild the trust. But not overnight. It will take time, energy, and sometimes some outside guidance. Alternatively, if you’re greeted with denial, blame, or gaslighting, that is a very bad sign. You deserve respect and honesty—and if those aren’t on offer, it might be time to reassess the relationship.
Repairing trust after it’s been broken is possible, but it requires both people to be committed. The lying needs to stop, the reasons behind it have to be addressed, and a new level of openness has to be built. That process takes time, patience, and consistency. Sometimes, though, the healthiest option is to step away—especially if the dishonesty is ongoing, you’re being manipulated, or your mental health is taking a hit.
You can’t dictate whether or not someone is going to tell the truth, but you can dictate how you react. Staying grounded in your sense of values, clearly setting boundaries, and seeking support when needed helps safeguard your sense of self, no matter what someone else does.