Attraction is one of those inexplicable forces that can spark or douse a relationship, but it’s also frequently misinterpreted. Almost everyone, at some point, finds themselves wondering if they still feel attracted to their partner, or fretting that their partner has lost their feelings. These impulses can be disconcerting, but they’re more pervasive than you would imagine.
Attraction is all about feeling drawn to a person, whether it’s because of how they look, their energy, or because of how they make you feel on the inside. But it is not all about looks. Attraction, as defined in the Oxford dictionary, is the ability to inspire interest or affection. Physical beauty, on the other hand, is more about how pleasing someone’s appearance is, typically associated with sex appeal. Yet most couples find that what keeps them tied together hardly ever depends on external looks.
Attraction is not static; it fluctuates. It comes crashing over you at times, like a wave, and at other times is scarcely perceptible. It’s completely normal for it to happen this way. Stresses of life, normal routines, and even the amount (or lack) of time spent together impact how you feel about being attracted.
Relationship guru Esther Perel highlights a fascinating paradox: we yearn for deep connection and security, yet attraction and passion tend to thrive with a dash of mystery and distance. When two individuals become overly entangled, that initial spark that brought them together may dwindle. Yet too much space can lead to the loss of that connection. The secret is finding a balance between closeness and autonomy.
Our culture does not make this equilibrium any simpler. With perfect couples and ideal bodies in constant view, many of us compare ourselves—and our partners—to impossible standards. This focus on looks can overwhelm the more fundamental things that build up attraction over time. As one author noted, social media perpetuates a poisonous cycle of comparison that leaves many feeling inadequate or undeserving.
Occasionally, relationships start without much physical appeal. This may be standard in certain cultures, where things such as family, social status, or emotional stability are paramount. In most Western environments, however, poor sexual chemistry is a red flag. Yet attraction increases the better you know someone’s true nature—his or her sense of humor, kindness, or ambition. If, after a while, the spark doesn’t fly, it might be worth thinking about why you selected this person initially. Was it solace during a difficult period? Or a means of leveling out past relationships that were fiery but volatile?
If attraction peters out or seems to be lacking, it’s simple to panic or feel embarrassed. But these emotions usually originate in insecurity and fear. If you’re critical of your looks or value, you can project those doubts onto your lover. The questions in your head—Am I pretty enough? Are they into me? Do we make a good couple?—can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy that sabotages the very attraction you desire.
If you’re questioning your attraction, giving yourself some space to reflect is what you need. Reflect on what attraction means to you, how your beliefs have formed, and if they still benefit you. Sometimes what you want is someone who values what you value, cares for your well-being, or encourages your playful nature. Conscious and empathetic communication with your partner can clear up both your needs and wants, not just physically but beyond that as well.
Honesty counts. If, with careful consideration, you feel attraction won’t develop, it’s better to be honest with your partner. Such talks are difficult, but set both of you free to discover connections more suitable for your requirements.
If you are hoping to revive attraction, here are some practical steps: spend undistracted quality time together, develop your self-esteem, mix up routines, and concentrate on the qualities that originally attracted you to your partner. Little things—such as deep eye contact, gentle caresses, or hearty laughter—can restart that fire.
Attraction is not black and white. It changes as we mature, as our lives evolve, and as we become more familiar with ourselves and our partners. Rather than interpreting a dip in attraction as failure, take it as a moment to learn more about what counts to you and your relationship.