Becoming parents is one of life’s most exciting—and, let’s be honest, toughest—changes a couple can go through. You might have heard that having a baby brings you closer together, but the reality is that it also challenges your relationship in ways you never expected. If you’re expecting or have just welcomed a little one, you’re probably realizing that this journey is a mix of pure joy and complete chaos.
Studies indicate that the majority of couples become less satisfied in their relationship once they have a baby. Overnight, disagreements can become more common and heated, and you may find yourself feeling underappreciated. If this is what you’re experiencing, know you’re not alone, and there are very specific reasons why.
The first year of having a baby is a whirlwind. Sleepless nights, endless chores, and the never-ending needs of a newborn may leave you and your partner more like colleagues than lovers. According to psychologist Dr. Nicole Pernod, most couples get into “survival mode,” devoting all their time and energy to the baby and leaving very little for each other. It’s easy to feel guilty for neglecting your relationship, but Dr. Pernod reminds us this is normal—and that communication can make a big difference. She suggests taking just five minutes to check in with each other about how you’re feeling. Sometimes, that little moment is all it takes to reconnect and share the experience.
One of the biggest sources of stress is how the work of parenting gets divided. Who’s changing diapers? Who’s washing bottles? Who’s up at 3 a.m.? Most couples have implicit notions of who will do what, but life tends to be different. Dr. Pernod urges couples to communicate clearly about what they want and need, and be adaptable, because every day with a baby is unique. Use your voice, speak up about what you require, and don’t let resentment simmer in silence.
Taking care of yourself is equally as crucial. It may seem impossible to have “me time” when baby-free minutes are scarce, but encouraging each other’s hobbies and relaxation time is essential. Dr. Pernod suggests making a pact: I do yoga and you stay home with the baby, then you golf and I have some time off. When both lovers encourage each other’s self-care, everyone wins—yes, even your baby.
Intimacy usually shifts with the arrival of a baby. Physical healing, hormonal changes, and plain old fatigue can make one or both partners feel drained or “touched out.” Dr. Pernod recommends doing little things to be intimate—such as massaging each other’s feet or simply cuddling—and communicating about your needs and boundaries. If you’re not in the mood for sex, that’s okay too. Let your partner know how you feel and consider other ways to feel close to each other.
Date nights may feel like a thing of the past, but they’re more crucial than ever. No matter if it’s a swift hello on the couch once the baby is asleep or a brief stroll around the block, finding time for one another keeps your relationship fresh. Dr. Pernod’s message to couples is that it’s okay to discuss the baby on date night—you did create that baby, after all! Having real conversations leads the way to greater connection.
If you’re feeling disconnected or unsure about your relationship at the one-year mark, new goals can do the trick. Discuss what you both want the next year to be like, look back on how far you’ve come, and consider couples therapy as a self-care option. Rituals such as meditating together, taking a walk, or eating a favorite meal can bring some peace to the chaos and keep your relationship rooted.
Parenthood is a roller coaster, and your relationship will certainly be affected. But with honest communication, flexibility, and a dash of creativity, you can navigate the challenges and discover new ways of relating. Keep in mind that you’re creating the foundation your child will grow up on—and a good, loving partnership is the best thing you can bestow on your family.