We all strive to be good friends, partners, parents, or coworkers. But occasionally, no matter how much we care, our words or actions may create invisible bruises. Emotional invalidation—focusing on dismissing, minimizing, or ignoring someone’s emotions—can sneakily destroy trust, self-esteem, and even mental health. Let’s lift the veil on the most damaging means of invalidating others, usually without even knowing it.
7. Changing the Topic or Steering Clear of Emotional Discussions
It may seem harmless to divert a conversation from something serious. Perhaps you just do it by saying, “Let’s talk about something else,” or ignoring a friend’s agony. But as it turns out, according to a nuanced look at empathy in conversation, this gesture can make an individual feel overlooked or invisible. Sidestepping emotions when individuals are vulnerable shows that they are not comfortable or willing to meet them in their pain, and thereby leave them alone with it. As pointed out by research on empathy, an environment where we can feel safe to have emotions—difficult emotions included—is critical to healthy relationships.
6. Blaming People for Being “Too Sensitive” or Exaggerating
“You always exaggerate” or “You’re too sensitive” may come out when we don’t get someone’s response. But these statements can be hurtful. Based on a study in the Brain and cited in a discussion of empathy, individuals with lower empathy tend not to be able to read other people’s feelings, so they tend to declare real emotions as overreaction. That type of invalidation can destroy trust and cause individuals to doubt their reality. As described by Psych Central, constant exposure to such things can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and even be a source of mental illness, such as anxiety and depression.
5. Comparing Miseries or Changing the Focus to Yourself
Ever answered someone’s suffering with, “But I suffered worse,” or “I know how you feel”? Although it may look like you’re connecting, this essentially shifts the attention from the person suffering. Instead of validating their experience, you’re making it about your own. This pattern, highlighted in empathy research, can make others feel like their struggles don’t matter. As Psych Central points out, even well-meaning attempts to cheer someone up—like saying “It could be worse”—can unintentionally invalidate their feelings.
4. Dismissing Emotions as “Not a Big Deal” or “Overreacting”
When someone shares their worries, responding with “That’s not a big deal” or “You’re overreacting” might seem like a way to calm them down. But these phrases can be deeply invalidating. As described in empathy research, such responses belittle the other person’s experience and can make them feel misunderstood or isolated. This type of invalidation informs a person that their emotions are bad or irrelevant, and it can leave a long-term impact on self-esteem and emotional well-being.
3. Microaggressions and Subtle Invalidations in Everyday Life
Microaggressions—those little, sometimes unconscious put-downs—are a potent form of invalidation, particularly for marginalized communities. As Derald Wing Sue and his research team have described, microaggressions can be verbal (“You speak such good English”), nonverbal (refusing to sit next to a person of color), or environmental (underrepresentation of people of color in leadership positions). These behaviors convey subtle messages that one is other, less than, or does not belong.
Cumulatively, these repeated slighting influences may result in Sue’s “racial battle fatigue,” damaging psychological and physical health. Even innocuous comments can reopen past wounds and perpetuate negative stereotypes, as is explored in studies on lived marginality experience.
2. Stereotype and Gendered Invalidation, Particularly with Children and Marginalized Individuals
Gender stereotypes—such as encouraging boys to “man up” or presuming girls are by nature more emotional—are another subtle invalidation. Think or Blue reports that these stereotypes dictate children’s career paths, mental health, and self-esteem early on. Boys are discouraged from showing vulnerability, which results in increased depression rates and a lack of help-seeking. Girls are pressure-cooked to be perfect and are frequently subject to objectifying or dismissive remarks. LGBTQ youth and kids who do not conform to traditional gender roles are particularly at risk of bullying and exclusion. These behaviors, which are supported by adults and peers, have long-term repercussions.
1. Emotional Abuse and the Lasting Marks of Chronic Invalidation
On the worst end of the continuum is emotional abuse—a cycle of manipulation, control, and psychological maneuvers that chip away at a person’s sense of self-worth. As defined by Arezoo Shahbazi Roa, emotional abuse tends to begin in subtle ways with seemingly innocuous words or actions and, over time, build to increasing intensity.
Victims can be isolated from their friends and family, made to question their worth, and become more dependent upon their abuser. Scars of emotional abuse are not always visible but can be incredibly devastating, resulting in depression, anxiety, PTSD, and even suicidal tendencies. These patterns are the keys to healing and support.
Words do matter. Whether a thoughtless comment, a stereotype, or a series of dismissive responses, invalidation can leave deep impressions. By paying greater attention to these tendencies, we can begin to create more empathetic, supportive, and truly connected relationships.