Self-esteem is the low-key current that flows under all we do—it informs how we perceive ourselves and how we move through life. When it’s robust, we’re confident to tackle obstacles, engage with others, and bounce back from failures. When it’s unstable, even a minor obstacle becomes an insurmountable mountain, and that inner critic will drown out the positives we’ve worked for. The good news? Self-esteem is not set in stone. It can be constructed and reinforced at any point in life.
Even at its most basic, self-esteem is the way we think about ourselves. It’s developed over time through the messages we’ve learned in our childhood, the experiences we’ve had, and the meaning we’ve given them. Unfortunately, the destructive voices—whether from parents, teachers, peers, or even ourselves as kids—can linger much longer than the constructive ones. The NHS notes that when we have healthy self-esteem, we view ourselves and life as a whole in a positive way, which helps us to cope with the ups and downs of life with an easier heart. However, if we have low self-esteem, the world can become darker and more judgmental, and daily challenges become heavier and even lead to anxiety or depression. Numerous things may influence self-esteem, ranging from personality to stressful life events to self- or other-pressure.
Avoidance is one of the many ways low self-esteem can manifest. We may decline social invitations, pass on new experiences, or avoid anything too daunting. While that provides a short-term relief, more often than not, it strengthens the thought that we’re not up to it, which makes stopping all the more difficult. In time, the cycle can erode our overall health, even causing us to develop bad coping mechanisms such as alcoholism or smoking.
One of the best methods to improve self-esteem is to challenge those negative thoughts we’ve been carrying around. The NHS suggests beginning with noticing those internal critical voices—such as “I’m not good enough for that role” or “No one cares about me.” Write them down, then seek evidence against them. Perhaps you’re a great problem-solver, or you do have friends who check in regularly. Maintain a running record of your strengths, accomplishments, and praise you’ve received. Place it somewhere you’ll notice frequently and refresh it often—eventually, it can assist in rewiring the way you view yourself.
Positive self-talk is another effective tool. As HeadsUpGuys describes, the manner in which we talk to ourselves has the power to tear us down or build us up. Swapping critical thoughts about ourselves with affirmations—brief, positive statements regarding our worth and capabilities—can essentially rewire our brain for a positive outlook. Sentences such as “I can manage tough situations” or “I deserve love and respect” may sound awkward at first, but recording them or repeating them each day makes them take root. Crisis Text Line adds that affirmations build neural connections associated with positive thinking and even activate the brain’s reward centers, releasing feel-good chemicals that enhance mood.
It’s equally important to focus on your strengths. Every person has talents, skills, and qualities that make them valuable—whether it’s being a great listener, having a knack for problem-solving, or bringing humor to tense moments. Spend time doing what you’re good at, whether that’s painting, cooking, organizing, or helping someone out. Small wins build big confidence over time.
Boundaries are also an essential component of self-esteem. They are like a filter, screening out the trash and negativity that’s not good for you. Having limits isn’t rudeness—it’s respect for yourself and educating others on how to respect you. That could be saying no without feeling guilty, restricting time with energy-sucking people, or addressing something when it irks you. As therapist Kate O’Brien, LCAT, says, being blunt about boundaries is self-care.
The people you are with also matter. Be around people who support you, push you, and remind you of your value. If there are relationships that make you consistently feel small or less than, it may be worth backing away or having an honest conversation about how you feel.
Most importantly, keep in mind that increasing self-esteem is a continuous process. Be gentle and kind to yourself the way you would be towards a best friend. In case self-doubt and negative thought patterns become too much, turning to a mental health expert can turn everything around. HeadsUpGuys advises that it’s a strength to ask for assistance—often, having someone there with you is enough to bring a more compassionate, accurate view of self.