Narcissism doesn’t always look loud, plain, and easy to see. Sometimes it’s hiding in plain sight—sneaky, subtle, and just as hurtful. If you’ve ever been walking on eggshells in a relationship, second-guessing yourself everywhere you go, or wondering why your needs seem to come last, you may be dealing with a covert narcissist.
Covert narcissism is the introverted nephew of the stereotypical, out-in-front narcissism most folks envision. Rather than dominating every discussion or requiring the center of attention, covert narcissists tend to seem shy, sensitive, or even self-deprecating. But beneath that reserved facade exists the same intense need for admiration, scarcity of empathy, and tendency to manipulate those closest to them.
As Verywell Mind explains, covert narcissists also hunger for importance and admiration, yet utilize passive-aggressive strategies to have their needs satisfied, keeping their partner bewildered and drained emotionally.
What does covert narcissism manifest in everyday life, though? In contrast to overt narcissists, who may openly boast or just ignore your emotions, covert narcissists are experts at the backhanded compliment, the guilt trip, and the silent treatment. They may downplay their accomplishments just to bait you out for compliments, or act the victim to maintain your sense of responsibility for their well-being. You may be doing all the emotional heavy lifting—you’re the one apologizing first, explaining away their behavior, or trying to get their approval all the time.
Emotional neglect is one of the most characteristic signs. You will feel lonelier in the relationship than when you were single. Your needs and feelings are regularly invalidated, minimized, or disregarded, and you’re left doing all the emotional work. As HelpGuide describes, covert narcissists have a difficult time empathizing and prefer their own needs, so reciprocal relationships become next to impossible.
The psychological effect of being with a hidden narcissist can be overwhelming. Ongoing stress, anxiety, and lower self-esteem are not uncommon. You may find yourself doubting your reality, particularly if you’re being gaslighted—when your partner dismisses your reality or makes you believe that there is something wrong with you. This can result in emotional burnout, disconnection from friends and family members, and even depression. According to Love This Therapy, the uncertainty of such relationships tends to make partners feel incompetent, perplexed, and emotionally drained.
One-sided relationships are characteristic of covert narcissism. You may be the one doing all the talking, making dates, or apologizing after each fight. Your partner is emotionally detached, unresponsive, or even passive-aggressive. As Verywell Mind explains, these unequal dynamics can make you feel insecure, unsupported, and resentful.
So, what do you do if you think you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist? To start, learn about narcissistic behaviors and know that their actions are a product of their disorder, not your value. Being clear about boundaries is imperative—even if it risks incurring their disapproval. Be clear about what you will and won’t accept, and be consistent in your lines. As HelpGuide recommends, boundaries help shield your emotional well-being and convey that their strategies are failing.
It’s also essential to get help beyond the relationship. Hang out with friends and family members who will accept your feelings and remind you of your strengths. If you’re finding it difficult to manage anxiety, depression, or feelings of low self-worth, reach out to a mental health counselor. Counseling can assist in working through experiences, rebuilding confidence, and learning how to cope with manipulative patterns.
Occasionally, even with the best of intentions, the healthiest option is to walk away. If your well-being, safety, or sense of self are threatened, backing away is not failure—it’s a matter of self-preservation. As Mud Coaching has said, when trust, respect, and emotional safety are consistently broken, taking care of your peace is an act of self-respect.
Identifying covert narcissism is not always simple, particularly when the cues are nuanced and the manipulation is subtle. But by being attuned to your own emotions, establishing limits, and gaining support, you can guard your well-being and move toward more healthy, more meaningful relationships.