Parenting is sometimes an emotional rollercoaster, watching your teen make decisions that appear to toss away their future. Parents often lie awake at night, wondering why their teen is rebelling, trying dangerous things, or shunning opportunity. The urge to jump in and set things right is strong, but the reality is, you can’t control every action of your child. What you can do is have an impact on them by being responsible for your actions and reactions.
The notion that parents can—or ought to—dictate their children’s choices is a myth that breeds frustration and disillusionment. What has power is establishing firm, loving limits and demonstrating self-regulation.
As a family therapist explained, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink; however, you can make it mighty thirsty by creating the right environment and expectations. This means focusing on what you will and won’t do, rather than trying to micromanage your child’s choices.
The first step is to recognize and acknowledge your feelings. It’s understandable to get anxious, desperate, or even enraged when your child appears to be on the wrong track. Instead of responding with blame, yelling, or over-controlling behaviors, give yourself a moment to sit with these feelings.
Use healthy means to work through your worry—maybe chatting with friends, going for a walk, or immersing yourself in your hobbies. This keeps your anxiety from overflowing into your relationship with your child and keeps you from turning the issue into something about your fears.
After checking in with yourself, step back and watch the family dynamics in action. Ask yourself when the behaviors started, if there were any triggers, and if your behavior could be fueling the pattern. Other times, parents over-function and rescue their children from accountability, or over-control them or under-control them. Observing these tendencies can lead you to determine what needs to change from your side, instead of reacting only to your child’s behavior.
Taking charge is not the same as taking control. You can’t make your teen make responsible decisions, but you can define boundaries clearly and maintain consistent consequences. If your child violates curfew, quietly inform them that some privileges will be taken away until they can show you they are responsible. It’s not a power struggle or punishment—it’s establishing a haven and allowing your child to learn from the consequences of their choices.
If your child moves a step into dangerous or destructive action, like drug use or cutting, it is important to intervene at once and firmly. This may involve calling on professionals, enlisting other adults, or even tolerating short-term tension in your relationship to protect your child from harm. The important thing is to respond out of care and concern rather than anger or frustration.
Parenting through difficult times takes grit. Certain children will push limits over and over again, and it can be draining to stand firm. Keep in mind that your role is not to orchestrate every result but to be a constant, loving presence. Even when your child appears to spurn your influence, your consistency and affection count more than you may know.
Lastly, don’t let the issues define your whole relationship with your child. Leave room for good times, common interests, and real connections. View your child as an integrated individual, not a series of poor decisions. Get to enjoy the good times together and leave the door open to growth and maturity.
Even in hard times, your presence and limits give your child the foundation they will need to eventually find their own way.