Have you ever gazed up during a relationship and asked, “Where did I go? ” It’s more frequent than you can imagine. The excitement of a new romance or the comfort of a long-term relationship can subtly push your hobbies, friendships, and even your voice to the background. Before you know it, your “me” has become backgrounded in a story of “we.” Good news, though: getting back to yourself—and keeping yourself alive—isn’t only possible, it’s necessary for a healthy, long-term relationship.
Let’s count down the most effective ways to get your identity back, beginning with the most basic.
7. Regular Self-Check-Ins
It is simple to lose yourself in the rhythms and routines of being a couple, but if you don’t catch up with yourself, you might be losing who you are without even knowing it. Set aside some time every week to ask yourself how you feel in the relationship. Are you still chasing your goals, or have they become secondary? Are you speaking your authentic thoughts, or shrinking to accommodate the relationship?
As described by The Angry Therapist, such moments of self-reflection are essential to having a healthy sense of self.
6. Fostering Friendships Outside of the Relationship
When love is at the forefront, friendships can quietly fade into the background. But your friends are your lifeline to the “you” you were before the relationship—and they’re essential to your well-being. Make a conscious effort to make regular catch-ups, even if it’s just for a coffee or a phone call. As The Angry Therapist states, taking care of your friendships keeps you grounded and reminds you of who you are, independent of the relationship.
Your partner can’t be your everything, and that’s not only okay—it’s healthy.
5. Honest Communication About Your Needs and Boundaries
It can be scary to have your say about what you desire, particularly if you’ve become accustomed to acquiescing to your partner’s wishes. But honest, open discussion is the building block of an equal relationship. If something’s irritating you, let it be heard. If you desire to do something new or require some solitude, communicate it.
As relationship counselor Samara Quintero succinctly states, “Asserting your needs from a place of confidence can assist you in stating that your voice and emotions are as important as your partner’s within the relationship.” It may be awkward in the beginning, but the more you do it, the more comfortable you become—and the more real your relationship is.
4. Establishing and Enforcing Personal Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls; they’re the rules that enable you to join in and enjoy the life you’ve created. If you’re enmeshed with your partner, begin by scheduling a bit of “me time” weekly and block it off on your calendar. Identify it as non-negotiable. As Unveiled Stories points out, boundaries get you a better partner because someone has an idea of what they can expect of you and what you need; they don’t have to make an assumption. And don’t forget, you might need to remind the partner a few times before it becomes habitual.
Boundaries are a habit, not something that happens once.
3. Prioritizing Your Interests and Passions
What turns you on? Perhaps it’s painting, hiking, reading, or dancing. Whatever it is, give yourself space for it—no approval required. It’s not selfish to take back your time for yourself, says The Angry Therapist. It’s about keeping your identity outside of your relationship.
By maintaining what brings you into balance, you reduce your dependence on your relationship as the sole source of your sense of well-being. And, your self-esteem and confidence also improve.
2. Rediscovering Solo Activities and “Dating Yourself”
How long has it been since you took yourself on a date? Whether it’s an evening out for one to the movies, a nature walk, or an upscale dinner for one, reacquainting with yourself is the key. According to Unveiled Stories, dating yourself is a new, unencumbering adventure that reminds you of your own company and your passions. Experiment with returning to an old hobby or learning something new—anything that’s just about you.
It’s a great way to reactivate your sense of self.
1. Knowing the Underlying Causes and Getting Help if Necessary
In some cases, getting lost in a relationship is more than about habits—it can be about underlying causes such as low self-esteem, abandonment anxiety, or learned patterns from childhood. As Dr. Gail Saltz suggests, introspection to discover potential origins, then working to solve the causes of your behavior, is frequently the initial step in making modifications.
Journaling, therapy, or coaching can give you the insight and assistance you need to interrupt old patterns and create a firmer foundation for yourself and your relationship. Taking back your identity in a relationship is not about drawing away from your partner—it’s about being present with your entire, shiny self. When you do, you’re giving more to the relationship, not taking away. So take a deep breath, get in touch with yourself, and remember: you are worth every ounce of effort.