Have you ever caught yourself wondering how your sweet kid grew up to be a difficult adult who appears to push every button you have? If so, you’re not alone. Figuring out relationships with adult children who make bad decisions, behave disrespectfully, or even become toxic is one of the hardest challenges of parenthood. But there are steps you can take to regain your peace and get your family back on a healthier track.
7. Communicate
You want to lecture or interrogate when you watch your adult child moving down a self-destructive path, but that doesn’t work very often. Instead, request a discussion and enter it with serenity and candor. Process your own feelings before you sit down so that you can be as objective as humanly possible.
Ask your child what they hope to achieve and state your worries without attempting to solve everything for them. Provide wisdom and resources, but keep in mind, you’re now more of a coach than a manager.
6. Establish Boundaries
If you haven’t yet established healthy boundaries, now is the time. Boundaries are not loving—they are necessary. Determine what you will and won’t accept, whether it’s disrespect, financial reliance, or addictive behavior. For instance, if your child is verbally abusive, tell them you won’t respond until they can speak to you respectfully. If they must return home, create a contract with expectations and a date to move out. Boundaries assist you and your child in moving forward positively.
5. Don’t enable
It’s natural to want to swoop in and rescue your child, but enabling only keeps them stuck. Your role as a parent has shifted; you’re now on the sidelines, offering support but not taking responsibility for their actions. Don’t confuse enabling with loving. As explained by the Hazeldon Betty Ford Foundation, supporting recovery means setting limits, not supporting destructive habits. Let your child face the consequences of their choices.
4. Don’t Cave
It’s difficult to hold firm when your heart hurts for your child. You may need a support group of good friends to be strong for you. It may seem unloving to enforce your boundaries, but it is actually the most beneficial thing for you to do. If your child pushes your boundaries, restate them firmly and consistently. If they persist in being abusive or disrespectful, withdraw until they’re willing to speak constructively.
3. Control Your Feelings
Parenting your adult child is like a roller coaster ride. You’re optimistic one day, despairing the next. It’s important to work through your feelings, but with a friend or counselor you can trust—not your adult child. Give yourself permission to mourn what you envisioned and plot living well even when your child is in chaos.
Because, as Dr. Gretchen Kubacky says, anger tends to mask sadness, and earlier family patterns resurface under stress. Let your feelings rise, ventilate them, and release or absorb them accordingly.
2. Don’t Let Their Behavior Affect Your Love
It’s tempting to take your child’s behavior personally, but keep in mind, their choices are not about you. Your affection for your child isn’t based on condition. They need to know that whatever they do won’t make you love them more or less. Leave your heart open, even when you’re maintaining boundaries.
1. Live Your Life
At some time, you need to dissociate your adult child’s actions from your own happiness. Don’t allow their decisions to steal your joy. Mourn if necessary, but don’t let it swallow you whole. Decide to live your life to the fullest, no matter what the back-and-forth is with your adult children. When you stand firm and love fiercely, you will discover the strength and perseverance to continue going forward even when the path is difficult.