Let’s get real: emotional security is the magic that makes relationships work. It has nothing to do with being perfect or never experiencing anxiety—it has to do with how you work through those times when life (or love) gets ugly. If you’ve ever been curious about what makes emotionally secure people tick, you’re in the right place. Here are ten habits that appear time and time again in the healthiest, happiest relationships—beginning with the ones that make a quiet difference, all the way up to the downright game-changers.
10. Substitute Self-Criticism with Self-Curiosity
Emotionally secure individuals do not beat themselves up for feeling sad, angry, or anxious. They become curious about their feelings instead. Emotionally stable individuals, according to Nick Wignall, listen to their feelings with curiosity and not judgment. If you find yourself spiraling into self-criticism, stop and ask, “What’s really going on here?” This reframing tames big emotions and allows you to recover faster.
9. Abandon Unhelpful Expectations
Expectations have a tendency to be stealthy. You may anticipate your partner to always be patient, or your sorrow to dissipate after some predetermined time. But life doesn’t always behave according to our script. As Nick Wignall reminds us, even reasonable expectations create conflict and frustration when they’re not met. Emotionally secure individuals learn to release strict expectations and engage every situation with an open mind, so they are less reactive when life doesn’t cooperate.
8. Tame Your Inner Control Freak
Let’s be real: no one enjoys feeling powerless. But attempting to control every little thing—your partner, the result of every discussion, even your own feelings—only provokes more stress. Secure people know when they’re reaching for control and learn to sit with not knowing. Nick Wignall breaks down that many harmful habits, from excessive worry to seeking reassurance, are results of an excessive need for control. The secret is to catch yourself doing it and let go, ever so kindly.
7. Listen to Your Feelings, but Don’t Let Them Run the Show
Feelings are valuable messengers, but not always the finest decision-makers. Secure individuals hear their feelings, but don’t act impulsively upon them. They test whether their emotions are supported by their values before taking action. Nick Wignall puts forward that acting on your feelings can be equally silly as not listening to them at all. Utilize your feelings as a part of the puzzle, but not the entire puzzle.
6. Release Limiting Beliefs
We all carry around those pesky thoughts—”I’m not lovable,” “I’ll never succeed,” “I’m too much”—that arise in times of challenge. Emotionally secure individuals catch these limiting beliefs and debate them. Nick Wignall suggests paying attention to your self-talk after a stressful event to identify these beliefs, then kindly reminding yourself they’re not realistic or helpful. Developing this practice keeps you resilient and receptive to growth.
5. Set and Communicate Gentle Boundaries
Boundaries are the foundation of emotional safety. Secure individuals can say “That doesn’t work for me” without cutting others off. They can define boundaries (what they will do if a boundary is violated) and requests (what they would like the other person to do). Chris Rackliffe describes that boundaries are not about controlling others—they’re about clarity and respect for oneself. Boundaries in healthy relationships are shared with kindness and flexibility, not hard-and-fast ultimatums.
4. Provide Reassurance and Validation
When the situation is tense, emotionally secure couples employ reassuring words to comfort their partners. Couples therapist Rachel Glik states that the happiest couples “wrap their words in a warm, cozy blanket” when having difficult conversations. Words such as “I want you to know that we are okay” or “You’re such a special person to me” make the partners feel secure and heard, even in the face of challenging issues.
3. Own Up and Practice Accountability
Emotionally safe individuals don’t avoid blame or excuse themselves. When they make a mistake, they take ownership. The University of Colorado Denver points out that emotionally safe individuals practice accountability and own up to what they have done. They apologize genuinely and go the extra mile to mend the relationship, which establishes trust and security in the long run.
2. Express Needs and Feelings Freely
Secure individuals don’t assume, don’t hide their emotions, and don’t want their partner to mind-read. They state what they require, even if it feels risky. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, writers of Attached, suggest that communicating your emotional needs clearly is preferable to expecting someone to somehow know what you desire. This becomes a doorway to richer emotional conversation and greater connection.
1. Regulate Emotions Independently
The strongest of the emotional security people’s habits is their ability to comfort themselves. They don’t need other people to fill them up or soothe them. Rikki Cloos illustrates how anxious attachers tend to use other people to control how they feel, but security lies in the ability to learn to do it yourself. Once you learn to comfort yourself and control your own emotions, you are a reliable, secure presence in any relationship.
Emotional security isn’t about never feeling bad—it’s about having the habits and skills to handle whatever comes your way, together or alone. If you’re working on any of these habits, you’re already on the path to stronger, more fulfilling relationships.