Being able to tell when a relationship is over is one of the toughest decisions you’ll ever have to make. Sometimes it happens with a burst, but oftentimes it’s a gradual unraveling that makes you question when “we” became “I.” Every couple has issues, but some patterns indicate serious trouble—indicators that the relationship is beyond salvaging, despite your desire otherwise. The following are eight of the most accurate indicators, numbered down to the least severe.
8. You’re not backing up each other and want different things
If your partner isn’t the one you look to for support anymore, or you’re both celebrating milestones and surviving setbacks independently, the distance is difficult to overlook. If you and your partner are fundamentally seeking different things out of life and can’t or won’t help one another pursue dreams, it is a significant warning sign. According to Relationship Australia NSW, having your key person not be around during critical times indicates disconnection. When your priorities and paths no longer match, it’s difficult to navigate back to a shared vision.
7. Fantasising about others becomes a distraction
It’s only natural to occasionally fantasize about other individuals, but when those fantasies begin to take over in your mind or make you feel bad, preoccupied, or unhappy about your partner, it’s evidence that something more is amiss. If you catch yourself not only having fantasies with someone else, but fantasizing about an entire relationship, or if what you’re fantasizing about is the one person you do know, it’s time to question if your existing relationship is actually filling you up. Relationship Australia NSW says the test is whether these thoughts are eroding your actual relationship.
6. You don’t trust them
Trust is the foundation of any long-term relationship. Once suspicion gets in the door, it can spread rapidly into doubt and worry, leaving you feeling unsafe and shut down. Suppose you catch yourself questioning your partner’s honesty or trustworthiness frequently, or that suspicion is a standard part of your relationship. In that case, it’s a signal that the relationship is in big trouble. As Relationship Australia NSW explains, mistrust eats away at the relationship from the inside, and without a genuine effort from both partners to address the root causes, it’s nearly impossible to rebuild.
5. There’s no appeal to physical intimacy
Physical closeness naturally ebbs and flows, but if you’re consistently uninterested in being intimate with your partner—or worse, the idea is off-putting—this is more than just a phase. Touch and affection create hormones that foster connection, so when they vanish, so does a major component of your connection. If you don’t recall when you last wanted to be intimate with each other, or you shy away from your partner’s touch, it’s a clear sign that the relationship is under threat, as noted by Relationship Australia NSW.
4. Confrontational or aggressive communication
Arguments are to be expected, but if all conversation devolves into a fight, or if debates turn nasty and personal, the harm piles up. If either you or your partner screams, mocks, or stonewalls—refuse to talk or give the silent treatment—these habits break down respect and trust. Aggressive communication is like a pressure cooker, says Relationship Australia NSW: it can feel relieving in the short term, but it poisons the connection in the long term.
3. Breakdown of communication
The moment you shut up—about the good, the bad, and all the in-between stuff—resentment brews. Sweeping things under the carpet or dodging confrontation may maintain harmony in the short term, but it also sends the message that you’ve resigned from attempting to make it work. If you sense there’s no use talking about issues, or you’re just going through the motions, the relationship is probably stuck in a rut that’s difficult to break out of. As Relationship Australia NSW warns, mere keeping-the-peace behavior can be one of the signs a relationship has crossed the line.
2. There’s no emotional connection
The spark that made you feel understood and “seen” has worn off. If you’re no longer vulnerable or open with your partner, or if deep conversations and playful teasing have ceased, your relationship is suffering. When you no longer exchange real feelings and thoughts, it’s a sign that you might not be interested in a strong connection anymore. With Relationship Australia NSW, poor emotional intimacy makes it difficult to determine whether or not the relationship is salvageable.
1. Contempt and the “Four Horsemen” behaviors
The most damaging patterns of behavior in a relationship are what John Gottman refers to as the “Four Horsemen” of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Of these, contempt—eye-rolling, disgust, dismissal, or belittling—is the best predictor of divorce. If the relationship is characterized by these behaviors, particularly contempt, it’s an indicator that the foundation has broken down. According to Relationship Australia NSW, contempt is the largest predictor of divorce, and where it appears, it’s usually the last straw.
Seeing these signs does not necessarily mean you need to throw in the towel right away, but it does indicate that it’s time to have a serious look at whether the relationship can be saved—and whether both of you are actually willing to put in the effort.