Breakups are one of those universal experiences that unite us in our vulnerability. Whether you’re the one who ended things or the one left behind, the pain can feel all-consuming. It’s not just about losing a partner—it’s about losing a piece of yourself, a shared future, and the comfort of belonging. Breakup pain is not selective; it can hurt just as much for the person who initiated the breakup as for the person who got left behind. As Max Jancar puts it, breakups are painful even if you initiated them, because they shatter the joint sense of self you built with your partner.
When you’re in a relationship, your selves start to get entangled. You create shared routines, in-group humor, and future dreams. This fusion is a natural, important one, but when the relationship ends, it can feel like part of you has been amputated. In an instant, you begin to question who you are without this individual, and the emptiness is staggering. The more significance and meaning you put into your relationship, the more the loss when it ends.
The pain doesn’t stop at identity. People are wired to connect, and losing a profound relationship has the potential to push a primal sense of social rejection. The brain craves belonging, and when that’s taken away, it’s like being cast out into the cold. Studies have shown that the emotional pain of heartbreak activates the same regions of the brain as physical agony. That’s why heartbreak looks like a physical pain in your chest, and not metaphorical.
Shame and guilt sneak in, too. Maybe you’re embarrassed to tell friends and relatives about the breakup, or you’re wracked with thoughts of what you could have done differently. Shame makes you want to hide, while guilt makes you desire to go over every step to try to seek answers. The best way to deal with such feelings, as recommended by Max Jancar, is to live vulnerably—emotionalize yourself, face your fears, and allow yourself to be seen in your pain.
Uncertainty is another large offender. With a breakup, there is no future to speak of, and that is both terrifying and anxiety-provoking. You might find yourself obsessing over what didn’t work or worrying that you will never again be loved. The urge to seek certainty is great, but the truth is, life is always uncertain. It is being able to dwell in that discomfort, rather than running away from it, that is healing.
So why are so many in relationships that are clearly doing them damage? Fear is a wonderful motivator. Regretful fear, lonely fear, fear that if you just stick it out a little longer, things will be okay. It’s easy to question your own judgement, to cling to the happy times, and to hope something might turn around. But as Mud Coaching points out, when your self, safety, and well-being are at stake, it is not only okay to withdraw—it’s necessary.
A healthy relationship ought to be a refuge, not a continuing anxiety or breeding ground for self-doubt. If there has been repeated betrayal of trust, if your emotional needs are not respected, or if you feel more alone in the relationship than if you were single, it’s time to question whether continuing is an act of self-abandonment. Exiting isn’t failure—it’s self-care. According to Mud Coaching, letting go of a relationship that is harming you is an act of choosing yourself, your peace, and your well-being.
Breaking up is not usually a straightforward process of healing. Some days you might feel great and upbeat; other days, loss will engulf you like a tide. The key is to let yourself experience it all—sadness, anger, relief, even fleeting moments of joy. According to Psychology Today, people who bounce back best are people who spend less time mourning the lost relationship and more time on the positives of getting a break-up. Some of these positives include more time with friends and family, more confidence, and greater knowledge of what you want in future relationships.
Building resilience is all about moving your mind away from pain and into the possibilities ahead. It’s about recognizing that every ending is also a beginning, and that the pain you’re feeling now is evidence of just how much you loved and cherished your relationship. That is not something to be ashamed of—it’s testimony to your capacity for connection.
Breakups also allow profound self-exploration. When you’re being compelled to let go of someone else, you have a chance to return to your own skin. You may immerse yourself in new interests, strengthen old friendships, and relearn what ignites your soul. As the wounds heal, you’ll see that the pain melts away, replaced by the strength and freedom you never knew you had.
Regardless of how terrible things are right now, remember that you are not alone. Countless individuals have endured this before you and have come out stronger, wiser, and more open to love than they ever believed possible. The end of a relationship is not the end of your book—it is the starting point for a new chapter where you get to decide what comes next.