Gaslighting is one of the most painful ways someone can manipulate you in a relationship. It makes you doubt your own memory, feelings, and even your own sense of reality—slowly eroding your confidence in yourself. In an attempt to get you to recognize it in its early stages, below are 11 of the most telling signs of gaslighting to watch out for.
11. They Tell You Everyone Else Is Lying
If someone tries to convince you that your family, your friends, or even the media are all lying to you, that’s gaslighting. The goal is to make you feel isolated, with the gaslighter being the only “truth-teller” in your world. This can leave you alone on an emotional island, searching for who and what to trust. Based on Amie the Dating Coach, gaslighters tend to manipulate you by telling you everyone else is lying, which further isolates you from help.
10. They Tell You (or Others) That You’re Crazy
If someone has ever called you “crazy,” “insane,” or “hysterical” when you’re upset about something, chances are you’ve been a victim of gaslighting. It’s not just name-calling, though—it’s an active manipulation to make you second-guess your own sanity and keep you wondering. As Amie the Dating Coach says, gaslighters flip your behavior around on you, so you question your own stability.
9. They Try to Have Others Line Up Against You
Gaslighters don’t do it by themselves very much—they’ll enlist “friends” to line up with them and validate their reality. It sounds like them telling you, “Everyone thinks the same as me,” or more explicitly, getting others on their side. The aim is to make you feel that you’re surrounded and outnumbered so that you’ll surrender to their reality. Amie the Dating Coach says gaslighters can try to manipulate others against you to further isolate you.
8. They Project Their Own Behavior Onto You
Ever been accused of being jealous, lying, or manipulating—when those are the very things your partner is doing? That’s projection, and it’s a gaslighter’s go-to move. By blaming you for their bad behavior, they get out of taking responsibility for themselves and get you on defense. Amie the Dating Coach illustrates that gaslighters divert attention from their own actions by blaming you.
7. They Know Confusion Weaken You
Gaslighting thrives on a state of uncertainty. If you’re always in a fog, unsure of what’s real and what actually happened, that’s intentional. Gaslighters require you to be so lost that you seek their direction—granting them even greater control. According to Amie the Dating Coach, confusion is a highly effective tool for gaslighters, having you off-balance and dependent.
6. They Add Positive Reinforcement to Keep You Off-Balance
It is not all bad news—there will be times when gaslighters will give you love, gifts, or flattery. But such niceness is often deliberate, intended to make you hooked and question if everything is really that bad. This “push-pull” behavior can be very destabilizing. As Amie the Dating Coach explains, positive reinforcement by a gaslighter tends to be manipulative, not genuine.
5. Their Actions and Words Don’t Match
If you find yourself consistently noticing inconsistency in what your partner does and what he says, then listen carefully. Gaslighters have a natural ability to pledge things they do not mean to do, or to do something different than what they said. This inconsistency is done to keep you in doubt about your own perception. Amie the Dating Coach emphasizes that actions are louder than words, especially in terrible relationships.
4. They Wear You Down Over Time
Gaslighting isn’t always a single event—it’s a drip, drip, drip, like water eroding rock. Weeks, months, or years of gradual manipulation erode your confidence and sense of self. The longer it goes on, the harder it can be to notice or escape. Amie the Dating Coach describes how gaslighters erode their victims over time, so it becomes harder to leave.
3. They Use What is Most Important to You as Ammunition
There is no forbidden topic for a gaslighter. They will go after anything you love, care most about, or are most passionate about and use that as a tool of control or to abuse you. If you find someone targeting what or whom you love most, it’s a red flag. Amie the Dating Coach cautions that gaslighters will take whatever is closest and dearest to you and use that as a tool to control.
2. They Deny Ever Having Said or Done Anything—Even When There is Proof
One of the most maddening signs of gaslighting is when someone absolutely refuses something you know happened, even when you have proof to back it up. This is not forgetfulness—it is a bid to make you question your reality. Gaslighters, according to Sullivan Law & Associates, will claim they never said something even when there is proof, and this makes you feel delusional.
1. They Make You Question Your Own Reality
Gaslighting, at its most fundamental level, is about getting you to doubt your own mind. If you find yourself doubting your own memories, feelings, or perceptions—questioning whether you’re “too sensitive” or “just making it all up”—that’s the biggest red flag of all. The ultimate objective is to whittle away at your trust in yourself so that you look to the gaslighter to know what’s real. Sullivan Law & Associates defines repeated denials of your perception and experience as the hallmark of gaslighting.
Knowing these signs is the start of reclaiming your confidence and yourself. If you are seeing this in your relationship, know that you are not alone—and your reality matters.