Let’s get real—parent-adult child relationships can be complicated, and downright tense at times. Even in the best families, there are factors underlying that can create a wedge between generations. Based on current research and expert observations, the four largest sources of tension between adult children and parents, particularly in culturally diverse and immigrant families, are as follows:
4. Personality Differences
Sometimes, the root of family tension isn’t trauma or finances—it’s simply that parents and children are very different people. You might share DNA and a home, but have little overlap in interests, beliefs, or values. This disconnect can make family gatherings feel superficial, with everyone struggling to find common ground.
When there is a personality conflict, relationships become strained easily, particularly if either party or both parties feel they must compel a relationship that simply does not come naturally. Families with minimal personality or interest overlap can have a hard time engaging in substantial conversations or activities and may feel emotionally distant.
3. Socioeconomic Status and Financial Differences
There can be a silent wall of money standing between parents and adult children. As adult children out-earn their parents, normal interactions become strained or even uncomfortable. Children feel guilty or frustrated with their parents’ attitudes towards money, and parents feel uneasy or resentful of children’s increasing wealth. Who should pay for dinners at home, how to plan vacations, and disagreements about what one should do for a career can all be points of contention.
Financial differences can also alter both generations’ perceptions of each other’s labor and success so that even mundane discussions about money become filled with tension. Parental income satisfaction, as reported by Barbara A. Mitchell and Samantha Teichman, is a strong predictor of how good or bad parents and adult children get along, with lower income satisfaction typically creating more critical interactions between parents and adult children.
2. Generational and Age Gaps
Each generation is formed by its own social, political, and historical environment, and this in turn influences each group’s way of viewing the world and relating to people. Successive generations—say millennials and Gen Z—are growing up in a fast-paced world with emerging technology, changing social mores, and a greater focus on mental health and emotional expression.
Successive generations, such as baby boomers and Gen Xers, tend to have more conservative values constructed from other times. These contrasts can be particularly acute in areas of politics, lifestyle, work ethic, and communication. Parents can become bewildered by a younger, more technologically adept world, and adult children feel condemned or judged. This generation gap can lead to recurring tension, especially when both sides feel that their viewpoint is the “right” way.
1. Immigration Status and Cultural Clashes
For immigrant families, cultural differences are likely to be the major source of conflict. First-generation immigrant parents might feel alienated from children born or brought up in a different country. The conflict between holding on to traditional values and conforming to prevailing cultural norms can create misunderstandings and emotional gaps. Clashes over community duty and personal drive are frequent—parents can desire children to attend to family needs, while children are drawn to personal aspirations and self-reliance. Parents can be offended when their children move away from their cultural or language heritage, or do not take it up as completely as they might have anticipated.
Based on studies of Chinese immigrant families in the United States, intergenerational acculturation gaps are a primary source of conflict, particularly where adult children become more acculturated to Western values and parents maintain traditional values. The lack of filial piety, a central family norm in many societies, can be seen by parents as a failure of the family, leading to further conflict.
Recognizing these underlying reasons is the beginning of closing the generation gap. In accepting that personality, money, generational experiences, and cultural influences play an important role, families can develop empathy and enhance communication even during times of seemingly insurmountable differences.