Family defines us in ways we may not even be aware of until we’re well into adulthood, dealing with relationships, children, and our own psyches. The roles we unknowingly take on can make us feel safe and loved, but when dysfunction sets in, those same roles can have us stuck, anxious, or resentful. Let’s dissect the 9 most significant dysfunctional family roles, how they appear, and what you can do to heal and move forward.
9. The Rescuer
Ready at the drop of a hat to fix things and deal with other people’s feelings, the rescuer tends to have difficulty with boundaries. They feel bad not helping, but sometimes helping injures, especially when it keeps others from learning or growing.
8. The Power Broker or Narcissist
This individual has a hierarchy, sometimes keeping themselves at the top. Their control needs can foster a setting where others are powerless or invisible. Narcissistic behaviors such as self-prioritization—prioritizing their own needs above everything else—can be particularly hurtful.
7. The Peacemaker or Mediator
Maintaining harmony is the peacemaker’s duty, no matter the cost. They perform the emotional labor of the family, smoothing out fights and giving up their own needs. While mediation can be positive, long-term self-sacrifice creates resentment and loss of self.
6. The Lost Child
Withdrawn and passive, the lost child hides from conflict. They’re relaxed but tend to lack guidance and have difficulties making decisions, losing opportunities for self-growth and connection.
5. The Addict
Mired in substance abuse or addictive behaviors, the addict’s issues compound family dysfunction. Their role tends to divert focus from underlying family pathology and may establish patterns of denial, enablement, or blame.
4. The Mascot or Clown
Like the clown, the mascot attempts to bring amusement and playfulness to deflect family suffering. Although this may be mood-boosting, it could also avoid dealing with actual issues.
3. The Parentified Child
When parents are unable to perform their caregiving duties, children might take on the role, assuming too much adult responsibility at far too young an age. This role reversal can manifest in anxiety, trouble setting limits, and relationship issues in the future. According to a study in the Journal of Marriage and Family, parentification during childhood can have a detrimental impact on parenting style and child adjustment in the following generation.
2. The Scapegoat, Black Sheep, Problem Child, or Rebel
Criticized for family issues, the scapegoat then becomes the center of attention—sometimes to avoid the actual problems. Though they might build positive traits such as honesty or humor, they are also prone to social and emotional challenges. As Embark Behavioral Health counselor Jenilyn Bartolo points out, the scapegoat then tends to reflect the clear signs of the family not being able to resolve issues, and might be the one needing mental health intervention.
1. The Golden Child, Hero, or Saint
Praised and favored, the golden child has high expectations and tends to cover up the family’s true problems. This position can be stressful and lonely, causing anxiety, people-pleasing tendencies, and perfectionism. Bartolo suggests that golden children who were brought up in controlling families can have low self-esteem and poor coping mechanisms.
People-pleasing and perfectionism are two threads that bind many unhealthy roles. Good Girl Syndrome, as defined by a certified coach and mother, is the mindset that your value exists in being nice, compliant, and sacrificial—most often at your own personal cost. Burnout, resentment, and loss of self result. Freedom from it requires changing your identity from “good” to authentic, setting boundaries guilt-free, and learning assertiveness in parenting and marriage.
Perfectionists and people pleasers tend to have a hard time with grief and change, setting unrealistic standards even when life ends up falling apart. The goal is to notice your expectations, allow yourself to change, and speak your needs with no apology.
It’s not simple to heal unhealthy family roles, but it can be done. By confronting the roles you perform, caring for yourself, establishing limits, and getting help, you can build healthier, happier relationships—for you and for future generations.