Gaslighting is a buzz term these days, but the harm that it causes is not trendy—it’s profoundly corrosive and can leave a scar on your self-confidence, mental health, and ability to trust yourself that will last forever.
In a romantic relationship, in a family dynamic, or in the workplace, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that makes you question your reality, your memory, and even your sanity. Let’s examine the six most painful forms of gaslighting, starting with the most painful.
6. Isolation and Being Cut Off from Support
Isolation is one of the most evil forms of manipulation. Gaslighters will usually attempt to cut you off from friends, family, or co-workers who may be able to encourage and validate your experience. Paige L. Sweet informs us that gaslighting starts in the denial of your experience and then runs the script in reverse to make you accountable. Isolation makes you more reliant on the gaslighter for validation, and it becomes harder and harder to get out of the pattern.
5. Trivializing and Minimizing Experiences
Trivializing occurs when the gaslighter minimizes your feelings, accomplishments, or experiences and makes you feel that you’re overreacting or that your problems are not important. The Newport Institute calls this minimizing hurtful behavior by saying things like “It was just a joke” or “You’re way too sensitive”. With constant belittling, your own self-worth is diminished, and you begin to doubt the validity of your own feelings.
4. Reality Manipulation and Questioning
This is the old ploy—making you question your sense and memory of events. The gaslighter may say something never happened, even if you have proof, or that you are misremembering it. Katia Beeden defines gaslighting as emotional abuse in which the abuser is distorting your perception of reality, so that you’re not sure if you are losing your grip on reality or not. Over time, it makes you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality.
3. Scapegoating and Blame-Shifting
Gaslighters are skilled at sidestepping accountability. Whenever something goes awry, they’ll blame you, even when it’s obviously their mistake. This behavior is particularly prevalent in the workplace, where a colleague or boss will deflect blame for a failed project or error onto your shoulders. Blame-shifting appears on CultureMonkey’s list of workplace gaslighting signs, where the victim is held accountable for problems they did not create. This repeated scapegoating can leave you feeling guilty, anxious, and unsure of your own competence.
2. Coercion and Threats
Coercive gaslighting involves the use of force, punishment, or threats to manipulate you. It can be withholding attention when you do not comply, threatening to leave you, or using intimidation to get their way. The Newport Institute identifies coercion as an abusive form of gaslighting wherein the abuser uses threats or punishment to control the victim. These techniques keep you walking on eggshells, always afraid of triggering another tantrum.
1. Flat-Out Lying and Denial
Flat-out lying is the core of gaslighting. The abuser will glare at you and outright deny something you know to be true, even when you have evidence. This incessant denying has you doubting your own memory and judgment.
Paige L. Sweet has noted that denial is the first and most common technique used by gaslighters, opening the door for more nuanced manipulation. When you have someone constantly informing you that your reality is not real, it will make you feel completely lost.
Recognizing such forms of gaslighting is the first step towards self-protection. If you find yourself doubting your memory more often than not, if you’re apologizing all the time for something you didn’t do, if you’re all alone and confused, you may be being gaslighted. The psychological effect can be deep: low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and even PTSD. Healing starts with learning, seeking assistance, documenting incidents, and learning how to trust yourself again. Keep in mind that you have a right to workplaces and relationships in which you are respected, safe, and listened to.