Have you ever found yourself distancing from a relationship just at the point when it settles well? Maybe you’re familiar with this situation—you flow nicely, then suddenly, you’re arguing with your partner, doubting your partner, and maybe even looking for places to escape. Does it ring a bell with you? You’re not the only one. Self-sabotage in relationships is a more widespread, but less acknowledged, problem that hinders us from the affection and closeness we desire.
What Is Self-Sabotage in Relationships?
Self-sabotage is when we sabotage our own happiness or success, usually unconsciously. In relationships, it may manifest as causing unnecessary drama, driving away someone who loves us, or telling ourselves we don’t deserve love. At times, these actions are deliberate—such as cheating or initiating pointless arguments. Other times, they’re subconscious, such as putting off vital conversations or shying away from intimacy completely.
As a member of Natasha Adamo’s team explained, self-sabotage is always a matter of getting in your own way—spoiling something good before it can even get a chance to develop. It is frequently motivated by fear: fear of being open, fear of getting hurt, or fear of repeating the past. What we initially do to protect ourselves can actually chip away at the very relationships we wish to build.
Why Do We Do It? The Roots of Self-Sabotage
The causes of self-sabotage are subtle and deeply ingrained. Most professionals identify experiences from childhood and attachment patterns as significant factors. If you had the experience of growing up in a household where love was conditional or inconsistent, then you may have learned an insecure attachment style. This can cause healthy, stable relationships to feel strange—or even threatening.
As Talkspace therapist Bisma Anwar describes, studies indicate that self-sabotage can be a self-protective mechanism. If one fears being wounded or abandoned, they may sabotage a relationship, whether consciously or unconsciously, to prevent further harm. Trust problems, low self-esteem, and unattainable expectations are all threads with self-sabotaging relationships.
Elisabetta Franzoso highlights the tremendous influence our relationships with our fathers (and mothers) have on our adult lives. She points out that being unable to commit or fearing abandonment frequently has its roots in early interactions with caregivers.
As described by Natasha Adamo’s team, these patterns often emerge when we’re used to emotional roller coasters or unloving relationships. When something good comes along, it can feel so different that we instinctively look for reasons it won’t last.
The Cycle of Self-Sabotage
One of the worst things about self-sabotage is the way it gets to repeat itself. We may leave a good relationship, and then suddenly, we’re back where we started—listening to heartbreak songs, grieving, and asking ourselves why things never change. This trap is fueled by negative self-comments, perfectionism, or an underlying assumption that we don’t deserve to be happy.
Verywell Mind brings to light the way in which cognitive dissonance—the pain of simultaneously experiencing two opposing beliefs—can come into play. You may desire a warm, secure relationship but secretly feel you don’t deserve one, for instance. Such mental conflict can cause you to act in ways that undermine your own achievement, whether in love, business, or goal achievement.
Breaking the Cycle: What Helps?
The good news? Self-sabotage is not a life sentence. The path to change begins with self-awareness—knowing your patterns and where they lead. Talkspace therapists say taking ownership of your behavior and knowing your triggers is a great place to start. Do you blow up when a partner demands commitment? Do there happen to be some situations that put you on edge? Identifying these moments can help you react differently.
Communication is also important. Being open with your partner about your fears and your struggles can create understanding and support. It is all right to be scared or vulnerable—what is not all right is allowing those feelings to make your decisions.
Treatment can be an effective way to break the cycle. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) are both successful at helping individuals exchange unhealthy patterns of thinking and emotional regulation. With the help of a professional, you are able to overcome past trauma, establish self-esteem, and learn healthier relationship skills.
Embracing Healthy Love
Learning to accept love—particularly when it’s new and unfamiliar—requires a measure of courage. It involves trusting yourself enough to open the door to someone, even when your mind is reeling with doubts. In the words of Natasha Adamo’s team, don’t get in your own way. You have so much to bring to a relationship, and a happy, fulfilling one is something you deserve. Keep in mind, self-sabotage is not about your partner, but about you. That’s empowering, because what it means is that you can rewrite your story. By understanding your triggers, communicating freely, and getting support when needed, you can get out of old habits and create the type of relationship you want.