Divorce may be like being thrown into the deep end with no life jacket. But just as the hurt is real, so is the chance at transformation. Here are the 10 most crucial lessons for not only surviving, but actually thriving after divorce—numbering down from patience to resilience.
10. Accept Patience: Healing Is Not Linear
The initial two years following the end of a marriage are usually the toughest, and healing isn’t usually linear. “Healing and rebuilding take time. It’s not something that can be rushed. It’s also not linear. You can go back and forth between feeling strong and feeling devastated again in the space of a few days or weeks,” Carol Madden says. Be kind to yourself and let yourself go at your own speed.
9. Practice Self-Care: Take Care of Your Mental and Physical Well-being
Divorce affects not just your mind but also your body. Studies indicate that divorced individuals are more likely to experience depression, compromised immune systems, and even heart disease. As reported in the Journal of Men’s Health, “Divorced men have significantly higher incidences of cancer and heart disease,” and both men and women undergo sudden changes in weight and elevated stress. Exercise, nutrition, and mindfulness strategies aren’t indulgences—they’re recovery necessities.
8. Foster Social Support: Rely on Friends, Family, and Professionals
Loneliness can make it all worse. As Charlie Health says, “Research shows that social support can support better emotional recovery after divorce.” Friends, family, a support group, or a therapist—all of these can be called on. Even brief moments of connection—a conversation with a neighbor or a friendly barista—are enough to lift your sense of connection and well-being.
7. Prioritize Children’s Well-Being: Co-Parenting and Communication
Children experience the shockwaves of divorce, too. The research is unambiguous: children are most upset in the first year or two, but most bounce back if parents can work together and communicate. The Department of Justice Canada states, “Children are more likely to fare well when the custodial parent is in good mental health, has good social supports, and has good child-rearing skills.” Prioritize open, age-appropriate discussions, and keep kids out of parental conflicts.
6. Establish Boundaries: Guard Your Emotional Space
Divorce gets old wounds stirred up, and new fights flare up. Establishing healthy boundaries with your ex, your family, and even new lovers is essential. As Carol Madden says, “If your ex is shaking you to the core with every interaction, it’s time to set some new boundaries.” Boundaries are not about cutting people off—they’re about keeping your peace.
5. Restate the Story: Divorce Does Not Amount to a Failure
Dissolution is normally portrayed as failure by society, but that is a lie. As Carol Madden posits, “Divorce is not a failure: Redefine failure and success for yourself and what you truly believe about life. Not what society tells us. Many married people are quietly miserable; is this success?” Dissolution might be the initial step to a more real, meaningful life.
4. Find New Purpose and Identity: Rediscover Yourself
Divorce is an opportunity to write a new chapter. A lot of people discover new interests, vocations, or social networks after divorce. As one study observes, “Another positive effect is the expansion of self-identity and taking on new roles. Many people will focus on advancing careers, picking up a new hobby, or expanding their social circles.” Seize the opportunity to discover who you are today, rather than who you used to be.
3. Learn from the Experience: Growth Through Adversity
Hard times can be fertile ground for growth. According to Eranda Jayawickreme and colleagues, “Posttraumatic growth typically refers to enduring positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity, trauma, or highly challenging life circumstances.” Many people emerge from divorce with greater wisdom, empathy, and resilience. Reflect on what you’ve learned and how you’ve changed.
2. Practice Forgiveness and Gratitude: Let Go and Move Forward
Clutching anger or bitterness does not serve you any purpose. Maria Kutrubis suggests, “Release the bitterness and any resentment towards your former partner for whatever cause. Forgiveness releases you from the emotional weight of anger and injustice and enables you to go on with a lighter heart.” Appreciation for the good times, the things you learned, or even simply the opportunity to begin anew can move your mind away from loss and toward possibility.
1. Commemorate Your Resilience: Acknowledge Your Strength and New Opportunities
You’ve ridden out one of life’s greatest storms. That takes courage. As Jensen Huang instructed Stanford students, “Resilience matters in success. Character is not formed out of smart people. It is out of people who have suffered. I wish upon you pain and suffering.” Each obstacle you’ve overcome has strengthened you, enlightened you, and enabled you to create a life that’s an authentic fit for you.