Most couples stay in miserable marriages a lot longer than they need to. Fear, familiarity, duty, or expecting something to get better usually prevents individuals from leaving. There are 9 of the most popular reasons individuals stay in marriages that do not make them happy.
9. Hope for Change
Begin with the most silently influential motive: hope. Most people remain in bad marriages because occasionally there is a good day—a moment that reminds them of how they first fell in love. Such flashes of joy serve as intermittent rewards, similar to a rat operating a lever in a laboratory, expecting a treat. As Psychology Today describes, “This intermittent schedule of reinforcement, this unpredictability of something good to occur in your relationship, is why people remain in a bad marriage. There is always hope that maybe, just maybe, things will be better tomorrow.” That hope can continue to motivate people for years, even when the chances are low.
8. Comfort in the Familiar
Humans are habit creatures. The familiar—no matter how painful—can be safer than the unknown. Holding on to a marriage that’s gone flat is like wearing a suit that’s no longer quite right, but you continue to wear it because you know every seam and pinch. As Denise G. Lee says, “The familiar—even when painful—feels safer than the unknown.” This familiarity can erode your sense of self quietly, but it’s usually easier than confronting the pain of change.
7. Kids and Their Welfare
The adage “staying together for the children” is a favorite. Most parents feel that maintaining the family together is best for kids. But studies reveal that kids are attuned and can detect tension and conflict, whether or not it is verbalized. Children brought up in an abusive or emotionally cold home may develop anxiety, depression, and unhealthy relationship patterns. According to Dr. Matthews, “In the long run [] divorce can result in happier lives for children. When parents fight or are incompatible in a fundamental and enduring sense, divorce can be a relief to children, an opportunity to breathe purer air, untroubled by the tensions of an unhappy marriage.” The question is not merely staying together, but how parents work through conflict and nurture their children through transition.
6. Fear of Hurting Partner
At times, individuals remain because they do not wish to hurt their partner. A published study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology states that “Often, people are motivated to remain in fairly unrewarding relationships for the benefit of their romantic partner instead of prioritizing their own interests.” This results in long, agonizing relationships where both parties endure silently, in an effort to keep one another from pain that already exists.
5. Religious and Cultural Beliefs
Marriage is not only a personal vow for some—it’s a cultural or religious one. Some individuals remain in dysfunctional marriages because their religious community or faith regards divorce as taboo. As lawyer Arthur D. Ettinger recounted, he’s had clients who have suffered abuse for years but struggled to maintain the marriage out of religious beliefs. As explained by Arthur D. Ettinger, “A spouse may choose remaining in an unhappy marriage if they feel there is a stigma involved in the concept of marriage or will not accept the concept of divorce for religious reasons.” These pressures may run deep and be difficult to overcome.
4. Fear of Judgment and Shame
Society holds marriage and divorce in high regard. Many individuals fear how friends, relatives, or their community might perceive them if they divorce their spouse. Denise G. Lee states that, “The fear of judgment, shame, and embarrassment holds them back from acknowledging the truth.” Fear of appearing a failure or disappointing others can hold individuals back, even at the expense of their own happiness.
3. Financial Reasons
Divorce is costly. The average does not even come close to less than $11,000 and $13,000, and that’s only the initial expense. Dual households cost more, and for most, particularly those who left their careers to raise kids, the economic impact can be crippling. As discussed by Psychology Today, “Women initiate a divorce (69% of the time), women also suffer economically after a divorce, with some indicating that a divorced woman loses 25-50% of their pre-divorce salary.” The fear of economic instability can lead even the unhealthiest marriage to look like the better option.
2. Sense of Identity
Long-term relationships can become central to who we are. Leaving a marriage can be like leaving behind part of yourself. Maggie Martinez, a licensed clinical social worker, says that when you’ve been with someone for a long time, your identity becomes intertwined with your partner, and separation becomes threatening. In Maggie Martinez’s opinion, “When you’ve been with somebody for a long time, your identity can get wrapped up in the relationship and with your partner. It can be frightening to unhook from that.” This loss of identity can make individuals stay in marriages long after love has disappeared.
1. Fear of the Unknown
At the top of the list is fear—fear of what life is going to be like following divorce. Such questions as “Will I ever be able to find another one? ” or “How will I manage by myself? ” are typical.
The fear of having to begin again is debilitating. As per the American Psychological Association, “Fear of loneliness and the loss of security are among the top reasons people stay in unhappy relationships.” At times, the unknown is more terrifying than the unhappiness individuals already experience. Unhappy marriages are complicated, and the reasons people stay are as varied as the couples themselves. Whether it’s hope, habit, children, or fear, understanding these reasons is the first step toward making choices that honor both your happiness and your family’s well-being.