Emotional manipulation is among the most essential skills you can learn to build healthier, happier relationships. Emotional manipulators use a range of subtle—sometimes not-so-subtle—strategies to dominate, confuse, and discredit others. These behaviors can leave you on edge, doubting yourself, and even questioning your own reality. Let’s count down the 10 most harmful emotional manipulation strategies you should understand, so you can identify them and protect your well-being.
10. Boundary Testing Methods
Manipulators will test your boundaries just to understand how far they can push you. This can come in the form of ignoring your requests, consistently crossing boundaries you’ve established, or escalating demands as time goes on. It is intended to weaken your defenses over time and gain more control. You may find yourself tolerating behavior you would never have accepted initially over time.
9. Mimicking Helplessness
Wearing dumb or helpless is an old standby. The manipulator plays dumb and is incapable of doing simple tasks or taking care of himself, so you will do it for him. This “learned helplessness” can make you accountable for his health and keep you in caretaker mode. It’s a sneaky way of avoiding responsibility and dumping on you.
8. Deflection and Switchtracking
When confronted, manipulators are masters at deflecting from the problem or blaming others. Instead of responding to your questions, they bring up your past mistakes or change the subject to some other problem. This way, you are lost and enraged, and the primary problem is never addressed.
7. Withholding: Information and Love
Blinding you with ignorance or depriving you of love is a very powerful tool to control an individual. Manipulators can deprive you of necessary information, play the silent treatment game, or deprive you of love and support in your most vulnerable time. This breeds uncertainty, clinginess, and ongoing insecurity in the relationship.
6. Playing on Insecurities
Manipulators are aware of how to home in on your weaknesses. They may cite your previous mistakes, mock your physical appearance, or unfavorably compare you to other people. By playing on your vulnerabilities, they erode your self-belief and make you feel lesser—oftentimes so that you will try even harder to please them.
5. Playing Dumb for Advantage
Playing dumb is another way of evading responsibility. The manipulator plays dumb or amnesiac when it benefits them, making you feel that you’re being unreasonable or too demanding. This can be very frustrating since it’s hard to prove that someone is acting dumb.
4. Shaming: The Public Humiliation Tactic
Shaming is making you feel bad or inferior in some way, most often in public. It can be achieved by criticizing, ridiculing, or making you aware of your mistakes. Through shaming over and over again, your self-esteem is greatly weakened, and you become a servant to the manipulator’s approval.
3. Exaggeration: Overstating for Effect
Manipulators love to exaggerate. They may tell you that a minor mistake will be catastrophic, or that you are far worse than you really are. This creates excessive fear and stress and will lead you to comply with their demands.
2. Denial: Refusal of Responsibility
Flat-out lying about what they’ve done or their impact is a common tactic. Even confronted with evidence, manipulators will deny that anything has happened or that you’re crazy. This denial of the apparent can cause you to question your own judgment and feel powerless.
1. Gaslighting: The Overused Word Of The Year
Gaslighting is the master manipulation game. The manipulator makes you question your reality, memory, or sanity by refusing to acknowledge what they said or did, bending the truth, or accusing you of being oversensitive. Over time, you can end up doubting your own common sense and relying on the manipulator to inform you of what is real.
Identifying these strategies is the first step towards guarding against manipulation. If you notice these patterns in your relationships, remember: you are deserving of respect, honesty, and kindness. Trust your own instincts, establish boundaries, and reach out for help if needed.