Emotional invalidation is one of those sneaky relationship destroyers that most of us have gone through, maybe without even noticing it. It’s the process of ignoring, judging, or simply dismissing someone’s feelings, thoughts, or actions. When it occurs, there is no doubt about what it says: your feelings don’t count, or worse, they’re bad. This can sting, whether it’s delivered with a roll of the eyes, a distracted glance at a phone, or a well-meaning but misguided attempt to cheer someone up.
Emotional invalidation, as reported by Psych Central, makes you feel irrational and unimportant and can cause confusion, self-doubt, and distrust of one’s own emotions. It’s not only what people say but also nonverbal behaviors, such as ignoring another person, eye-rolling, or multitasking when someone is speaking, that can be just as harmful.
The invalidating statements list is lengthy and common. Consider such lines as “You’re overreacting,” “It could be worse,” “You shouldn’t feel that way,” or “Just let it go.” When uttered with the best of intentions, these phrases can leave the recipient feeling misunderstood and dismissed. In other cases, the invalidation is more subtle—such as leaping directly into problem-solving without acknowledging someone’s emotions, or minimizing an experience with a quick “I know exactly how you feel.”
The effect of chronic invalidation is deep. Individuals whose feelings are consistently denied may begin to conceal their emotions, acquire low self-esteem, and have difficulty with their identity. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and more severe mental illnesses over time. For emotionally more sensitive individuals, invalidation can be particularly devastating, at times leading to the development of diseases such as borderline personality disorder.
But emotional invalidation doesn’t occur in isolation—it’s most often entwined with emotional manipulation. Manipulation strategies can include guilt-tripping (“After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”), gaslighting (getting someone to doubt their reality), and the silent treatment, to more subtle behaviors such as blame-shifting, love bombing, triangulation, and coercion. These manipulations exist to control, confound, or demolish the other person, and they’re more prevalent than you might think in everyday relationships.
As described by My People Patterns, emotional manipulation is unconsciously learned from family, society, or media, and most people use those methods without knowing the damage they do. The first step towards being safe in your emotional well-being and establishing boundaries is being able to recognize manipulation.
So why invalidate or manipulate? Occasionally,y it’s deliberate—a means of sidestepping responsibility or manipulating messages. But often it’s not. Others may not be comfortable with powerful feelings, self-absorbed with their own issues, or just skill-deficient at being responsive. Most invalidating, says Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, arises from a deficiency of awareness, not malice. We become so lost in our own point of view that we forget the chance to connect.
The antidote to invalidation is validation—the straightforward process of acknowledging and respecting another human being’s emotional experience. Validation does not entail agreeing with everything a person says or feels. It entails accepting that, based on their history, data, and emotional state, what they are reacting to makes sense. As Michael S. Sorensen describes it, you can validate someone’s feelings even when you don’t agree by asking questions to improve your understanding of their perception and reflecting what you hear. This sets the stage for more effective conversations and opens the door to sharing your own thoughts—once the other person feels truly heard.
Practical strategies for validation include listening actively, avoiding unsolicited advice, and asking open-ended questions. Instead of jumping in with solutions or comparisons, try reflecting the person’s feelings to them. For instance, if a person says, “I feel so angry and sad that this is occurring to me,” a validating statement would be, “I hear that you’re angry and sad. It makes sense that you’d feel that way.” If you’d like to relate your own experience, ask permission first: “Would you be willing to hear about a moment when I felt something in response to this?”
Presence is strong, as well. Sometimes, simply sitting with someone in their suffering—without attempting to repair it or make it disappear—is the best gift you can give. As CreativeBelonging Psychotherapy points out, the strength of presence tends to be most helpful, particularly for individuals living with chronic pain or illness. Creating emotional safety in relationships requires time and self-knowledge. It involves paying attention to your own reactions, noticing when you’re dismissing or controlling, and taking a deliberate effort to align with empathy and respect. It’s about making space for real emotional experience and allowing your partner, friend, or coworker to feel really seen and heard. And if you mess it up—as we all do from time to time—having the grace to start over can be a game-changer.