Have you ever caught yourself doubting your own recollections or wondering if you’re losing your mind in a relationship? Gaslighting—a subtle, toxic means of emotional manipulation—will have even the strongest person doubting their own sanity. Let’s explore the most prevalent signs of gaslighting in relationships so that you know what to watch out for and safeguard your sense of self.
10. Withholding and Stonewalling
When your partner dissembles about not knowing what you mean, won’t listen, or just refuses to have a conversation, that’s withholding. Stonewalling is worse: they may ignore you entirely, engage in the silent treatment, or won’t talk until you “see things their way.” The National Domestic Violence Hotline says these strategies are meant to make you doubt yourself and your perceptions, so that you become desperate for their validation or attention.
9. Trivializing Your Feelings
When you’re accused of being “too sensitive,” “overreacting,” or that your issues are “not a big deal,” your partner is trivializing your emotions. This is not simply dismissive—it’s a mechanism to make you doubt if your feelings exist at all. As described by Newport Institute, this incessant downplaying erodes your self-esteem and makes you increasingly reliant on the gaslighter’s reality.
8. Countering and Denial
Gaslighters enjoy testing your memory. They may say things such as, “Are you sure about that? You have a lousy memory,” or simply deny that something occurred even when you have evidence. This persistent refutation is designed to make you question your own mind. As Medical News Today characterizes, denial is one of the main gaslighting strategies, and it can cause you to feel unclear and on edge over time.
7. Shifting Responsibility and Playing the Victim
When challenged, a gaslighter will seldom own up. They reverse roles instead: suddenly, you’re the guilty one, or you’re the actual victim. You’ll hear, “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have had to do Y.” Blaming this keeps you in defense mode and deflects from what they themselves are doing. This is a typical tactic to avoid responsibility and keep control, according to Verywell Mind.
6. Love Bombing and Intermittent Reinforcement
At first, it is all like a whirlwind relationship—expensive presents, endless flattery, and professions of love. But then the behavior becomes unpredictable: one day you are loved, the next you are ignored or belittled. This “love bombing” and coldness is what keep you on your toes and seeking their validation. As detailed by Best Therapists, this is meant to catch you emotionally and make you dependent upon their approval.
5. Isolation from Family and Friends
A gaslighter might subtly (or not-so-subtly) dissuade you from visiting loved ones, initiate fights before you leave the house, or say that others are “bad influences.” The reasoning? To isolate you from your support base, making you more manipulable. Isolation, the GBV Learning Network says, is a highly effective means of making you even more dependent on the abuser.
4. Gaslighting Using “Jokes” and Sarcasm
When your partner hurtfully comments and then says, “I was joking” or “You’re too sensitive,” that’s not joking—it’s gaslighting. It enables them to be cruel and avoid taking responsibility, making you look silly for being offended. According to Verywell Health, sarcasm and aggressive humor are usually used to undermine your confidence and keep you in doubt.
3. Projecting Their Flaws Onto You
Gaslighters master projection. When they are lying, cheating, or being manipulative, they may accuse you of the same. By doing so, they put you on the defensive and deflect attention from their own actions. Thriveworks says that projection is used by manipulators to escape dealing with their own flaws by getting you to feel guilty or ashamed, rather.
2. Getting You to Question Your Sanity
Arguably, the most pernicious indicator of gaslighting is when you begin to doubt your own existence. You may catch yourself wondering, “Am I losing my mind?” or “Perhaps I am too sensitive.” As time goes on, this internal questioning can chip away at your own self-trust and make you dependent upon the gaslighter for assurance. As described by Therapy Group DC, gaslighting is purely about getting you to question your own perceptions so the abuser can continue to control.
1. Rewriting History and Warping Reality
The biggest gaslighting trick of all: your partner tells you that things didn’t occur, that words were never exchanged, or that you’re recalling everything incorrectly. Even if you have proof, they will spin the tale in such a way that you begin to question your own recollection. This constant rewriting of history is meant to leave you befuddled, uncertain, and reliant. As described by Good Housekeeping, gaslighting is “one of the most destructive forms of emotional abuse,” causing victims to distrust their own realities and even believe they have a mental illness.
Recognizing these signs is the first step toward reclaiming your reality. If any of these behaviors sound familiar, know that you’re not alone—and your perceptions are valid.