Have you ever felt more drained than energized after a walk when you reconnected with a friend? If yes, then you are not the only one. Almost everyone has to deal with emotionally draining friendships at times, and learning to set boundaries is a must-have skill to preserve your health.
Most times, it is not a big problem to identify a friendship when it starts to feel one-sided. Maybe you find that you are always the only one who listens, comforts, and caters to their problems, while yours are neglected. Psychologist Marisa G. Franco, in her book, talks about such a relationship that can make you get irritated, drained, or become resentful, more so if you are always putting their needs before yours. If you are not feeling like communicating, repressing your true feelings, and watching your good thoughts about the friendship disappear, then it is a sign that things are going wrong.
So why do some friends drain us so badly? Licensed marriage and family therapist Jess Miller says that emotionally immature people tend to perceive boundaries as assaults. Instead of responding to a genuine gripe, they may act as if they’re getting rejected or abandoned and respond with blame-shifting, story-twisting, or victim-playing. Miller compares such behavior to a toddler—sensitive, impulsive, and lacking in self-awareness. It is not always conscious meanness; sometimes it is just an absence of emotional competence, which too often is tied in with inconsistent attachment or unresolved trauma.
So how do you create boundaries without feeling like the bad guy? The first thing to do is change your expectations. As Miller illustrates, expecting an emotionally immature friend to step up and change is usually unrealistic. What you can control is your own healing and setting boundaries. When you are ready to communicate your boundaries, Miller suggests the CLEAR method: start by stating that you appreciate the friendship, then clearly state your boundary, describe how it assists, reassure them of your intentions, and remind them of the boundary if necessary. For instance: “I enjoy you and desire our friendship to remain healthy, but I must restrict our venting time to weekly so that I have the energy to fully be present for you.”
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re concerned about being perceived as harsh or unemotional. But as trauma specialists remind us, boundaries are an act of self-care, not selfishness. Use “I” statements to describe the impact their behavior has on you, and if necessary, urge them to find other supports such as therapy or support groups. Remember, it’s permissible to prioritize your own mental health—even if that means having less time together or redirecting the conversations.
Not all friendships can or should be preserved, of course. If a friend’s behavior becomes harmful or abusive, or if the relationship is taking too much of a toll on your well-being, it may be time to step back. As Miller shares from her own life, sometimes walking away is necessary, though it’s always a personal decision. The key is to question yourself as to whether the friendship is actually sustainable, and to be prepared to accept that some individuals will never be able to change.
Positive friendships, where both individuals feel supported and boundaries are respected, can greatly affect how happy we are overall. The Mayo Clinic even emphasizes the ways that positive social connections can decrease stress, boost your sense of belonging, and enhance long-term health. And the best part is, it’s never too late to deepen the relationships you currently have or to seek out new ones that truly feed your soul.