Once you get down to the real stuff, “just being more likable” is like being told to put a mask on and pretend to be someone else for the audience. It is the same with introverts, autistic people, or those who were in a situation and felt like a sore thumb – they feel like that advice is a lead balloon. The pressure to conform, to smooth out your bits and pieces, and to watch your every move can be so exhausting. But here is the thing: no one, not even the most extroverted introvert, manages to get through life without compromising the way they communicate to some extent. The point is in mastering the skill of connecting with people in such a way that it would be authentic and not like acting for a role you never wanted.
The belief that you never have to change anything about yourself to be liked is a lovely one, but not quite realistic. As Caroline Smith explains, everyone, no matter what their neurotype, must be willing at some point to change how they behave to make relationships function. The thing is, not to annihilate who you are but to learn to communicate so that other people can actually hear and accept you. Just think of it as translating your ideas into something the other person can receive—not re-doing your personality from the ground up.
Small talk is usually given a bad name, especially for introverts. It’s easy to view it as meaningless talk about the weather or the latest television show, but it’s really the social glue that keeps relationships together. For Stacey, small talk is the gateway to trust, cooperation, and deeper relationships. It isn’t about being flashy or outgoing; it’s about setting a relaxed atmosphere where others feel at ease getting to know you. Even if you’ve got a lot to bring to the table, remaining quiet or avoiding the “shallow” material can make you appear inaccessible, only because other people assume silence equals disinterest.
Shifting your perspective on communication makes all the difference. Instead of seeing every social interaction as a test you’re doomed to fail, try viewing it as a two-way street. Both sides have to work to understand each other. The Double Empathy Problem, a concept discussed by Caroline Smith, highlights that misunderstandings go both ways—autistic and non-autistic people can struggle to read each other’s cues. For instance, a flat tone or monotone voice may be completely natural to you, but it may be misinterpreted by others as boredom or even hostility. Changing your expressions or tone doesn’t indicate you’re being artificial; it indicates you’re making your message more distinct.
So how do you really connect without feeling like you’re performing? Begin with curiosity. Introverts tend to be great at asking good questions and actually hearing the responses. Rather than attempting to impress, be interested in getting to know the other person. Open-ended questions such as “What brought you here? ” or “What’s something you’re looking forward to these days?” encourage individuals to open up beyond surface information.
When you really listen, individuals are perceived as being heard and appreciated, which is the basis of true rapport.
Anchoring conversations in your values is also useful. If creativity, purpose, or growth are important to you, guide the conversation to those areas. When you speak of that which is important to you, you’re not merely warming the air—you’re building a bridge to a deeper connection. And if small talk ends up being insincere, keep in mind that it’s merely a warm-up. It’s the on-ramp to those very conversations you wish you were having.
Social norms navigation is like code-switching—switching how you show up based on where you are. It’s not about being fake; it’s about understanding that you need to bring different aspects of yourself to different places. Your communication style with your boss is not the same as with friends, and that’s okay. The key is to determine what you’re going to give up on and what you’re not going to compromise on for your own well-being.
Getting the right people on your side is important. Not everyone will like your weirdness, and that’s alright. Attempting to fit in with others who don’t understand you is a formula for frustration. Instead, find people who admire your weirdness and don’t care about the occasional awkward interaction. One true friend who understands you is better than a dozen who can’t even see you.
Being expressive doesn’t necessarily mean speaking more. Often, your presence, your work, or even your sense of style speaks volumes. If words drain you, try other methods for expressing who you are—through art, music, writing, or even a perfectly timed smirk. Little acts of self-expression can have just as much impact as big speeches.
Boundary setting is a type of self-care. You don’t have to accept every invitation or put yourself in situations that leave you drained. Socializing is wonderful—when you really want to do it. Guard your energy so you can be your best self when it counts.
Developing conversational abilities is less about scripting and more about showing up. Ask open-ended questions that encourage stories, not information. Steer clear of rapport breakers—moments when you inadvertently call attention to your differences rather than to your shared commonalities. When you encounter something you don’t get, bore down instead of shutting it down. You don’t need to feign affection for all they do, but demonstrating curiosity for why it’s important to them gets you a long way. Finally, maintain your curiosity. The more you know a range of subjects, the simpler it is to relate to a range of individuals. You don’t need to be an authority on everything, but to be able to contribute to a discussion about sports, television, or even the last meme can lead to doors you never knew existed. Being likable is not about pretending or stripping away your quirks. It’s about communicating in ways that allow others to glimpse the true you—and making just enough concessions so your message comes through. With a little curiosity, a willingness to compromise, and the courage to find your people, you can build relationships that are both real and durable.