People-pleasing is the kind of habit that creeps up on you. It begins in the best of intentions—wanting to be liked, keeping the peace, being seen as helpful or generous. But it can leave you feeling drained, resentful, and invisible in your own life in the long run. For women, the demand to please is particularly strong, influenced by family, culture, and workplace in ways both subtle and strikingly blatant.
From childhood, many of us are taught to put others first. In some families and cultures, obedience and harmony are prized above all else. As one writer described, growing up meant following every wish of elders, even when it meant suppressing your own preferences or beliefs. This conditioning can run deep, especially in communities where conformity and respect for authority are non-negotiable. The result? A habit of shape-shifting in relationships, constantly changing to suit what other people desire, usually at the cost of your own needs and desires.
This behavior isn’t just damaging to your sense of self—it can destroy your mental health. Chronic people-pleasing, says clinical psychologist and executive coach Dr. Anne Welsh, can result in anxiety, depression, burnout, and an extreme feeling of emptiness. When you’re constantly worried about pleasing other people, you become disconnected from what you really desire. Relationships begin to feel empty because you’re not being your authentic self. In the workplace, it can erode your credibility and make you feel unfulfilled, since you’re saying yes to everybody and everything but yourself.
The office has its own challenges, particularly for women. Assertiveness—talking up, setting limits, standing up for yourself—is admired in men but condemned in women. As noted by Nicky Little, a director who was interviewed regarding workplace dynamics, assertive and direct women are often described as aggressive, but men with the same behaviors are viewed as strong leaders. This two-tier system is supported by evidence, such as a survey carried out by Murray Edwards College at the University of Cambridge, which concluded that over half of the women polled felt they were criticized more than men for the same actions. For women of color, there are even greater obstacles, with stereotypes such as the “angry black woman” or expectation of submissiveness in Asian women adding to the hurdles.
But here’s the silver lining: people-pleasing is not a life sentence. Unlearning begins with self-awareness. Dr. Welsh recommends that the first step is simply recognizing when you’re behaving out of a need to please others and not out of your own values or needs. Ask yourself: Whose approval am I seeking? Why does it matter so much? This type of curiosity can assist you in unraveling past beliefs and begin making decisions that feel more true to yourself.
Boundaries are your best friend throughout this process. According to the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, boundaries are the unseen lines that set you apart and outline what’s okay for you. They’re not walls—they’re parameters for how you wish to be treated. It can be awkward at first, particularly if you’re someone who automatically says yes to everything. But as Nedra Glover Tawwab describes in Set Boundaries, Find Peace, clear and direct communication is key to safeguarding your own well-being. If something makes you uncomfortable, you’re entitled to say no, even if it doesn’t make sense to someone else.
Saying no is a skill, and the more you do it, the easier it gets. Begin small: be direct and straightforward, say “I” statements, and keep in mind that you’re not accountable for the feelings of other people. If you are an empathetic person, remember that assertiveness will not make you less compassionate. You can genuinely care for people and still respect your own boundaries.
Humor is also an effective tool. Lightening the mood, applying memes or jokes to communication, can assist you in asserting yourself without appearing threatening. And for goodness’ sake, stop apologizing for having an opinion, taking up space, or holding a differing one. Confidence in your body language—standing tall, maintaining eye contact—can change not only how others perceive you, but how you perceive yourself.
The journey of unlearning people-pleasing is continuous. There will be setbacks, there will be discomforts. But as one author had pointed out, acknowledging small victories—such as saying no when you need to or respecting your own preference—is going to make you aware of how far you have progressed. Self-kindness and self-compassion are essential. Do things that fill you up, whether that’s journaling, seeing a therapist, or even just taking the time to sleep.
In the end, overcoming people-pleasing is all about taking back control of yourself and living in accordance with your authentic self. It’s about knowing that you’re not defined by how much you do for others, but by who you are—flaws, boundaries, and all.