Let’s be real: we’ve all been there with those conversations that leave us with our heads scratching, questioning whether we’re the issue or if the other individual just isn’t ready to hear the music. Emotional immaturity and deflecting are like the invisible gymnastics mats of our relationships—occasionally, you won’t notice them until you fall. If you’re sick of being ignored or feeling like you’re going round in circles, then it’s time to become familiar with the most prevalent indicators and phrases that indicate someone is deflecting responsibility or closing down authentic communication.
Below are the 10 most prevalent indicators of emotional immaturity and avoidance within relationships—numbered in reverse order, so that the most severe red flags are left until last.
10. Giving Vague Responses
When you attempt to deal with something significant and receive a wishy-washy “I don’t know” or “Maybe, I guess,” it’s a deflection. Vague responses are the roadblock keeping you at a surface level of conversation and not allowing for any meaningful solutions.
9. Deflecting Through Humor
Humor can brighten up the mood, but when used to avoid serious talk, it is a stumbling block. If all serious conversations are lighthearted jokes, your issues are being trivialized, not tackled.
8. Trivializing the Problem
Deflecting by making a small request a big production is another method of deflecting. Exaggerating makes the individual sidetrack from the issue at hand and puts you on the defensive so that you feel you’re creating unnecessary drama.
7. Playing the Victim
If each discussion of your needs becomes a monologue about how difficult their life is, you’re experiencing deflection. This approach diverts attention from solving your issues and makes you feel bad for even bringing them up.
6. Acting Defensive
Getting hostile or upset in response to criticism is a good indicator of emotional immaturity. Defensiveness prevents constructive conversation and makes you feel like you’re not heard.
5. Minimizing Your Feelings
“You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive” are phrases that invalidate your emotions. According to Kathy and Ross Petras, this is a combo of gaslighting and blame-shifting, sending the message that you’re the problem, not them.
4. Bringing Up Past Mistakes
If every conversation regarding their behavior becomes a recollection of something you did wrong months prior, they’re deflecting. This maneuver changes the topic of discussion to yours, making it difficult to discuss the issue at hand.
3. Avoiding the Issue Altogether
At times, deflection appears in the form of full avoidance. Avoiding the subject of certain matters or making excuses to get out of the conversation is a means of avoiding uncomfortable realities.
2. Blaming You for Their Feelings
“I wouldn’t be angry if you hadn’t.” is a fine example of deflection. Rather than taking responsibility for their feelings or actions, the individual deflects the blame onto you, holding you accountable for how they feel.
1. Changing the Subject
The ultimate deflection tactic: you raise something significant, and then, unexpectedly, the topic is at something else. This leads you to believe that your issues aren’t valid or worth consideration, and stops any meaningful resolution.
If you see these symptoms in your relationships, know that you’re not alone. Deflection and emotional immaturity are prevalent but need not be permanent states. Being cool, speaking in “I” statements, redirecting the conversation gently, and establishing definite boundaries can help nudge things back into balance. Keep in mind, you can’t control others’ words or actions, but you can control your response—and that’s where true emotional maturity takes hold.