Ever bared your soul, only to be greeted with a shrug, a joke, or a sympathetic but belittling “cheer up”? Emotional invalidation is one of those subtle relationship assassins that can have you feeling unheard, misunderstood, and questioning your own emotions. It occurs when someone—often even with the best of intentions—dismisses, downplays, or flat-out denies your emotional experience. As time goes on, this can erode your self-worth, isolate you, and even feed anxiety or depression.
Let’s deconstruct the 13 most hurtful examples of emotional invalidation in relationships, beginning with the ones that hurt the most.
13. Invalidation of Happiness or Excitement
You finally have some good news and get to share your excitement, but get shot down with skepticism or negativity instead. Perhaps you tell a family member you’re accepted into your dream college, and they say, Are you sure you can get in there? It’s a very competitive school. That uncertainty has the wind taken right out of your sails and makes you question your happiness.
12. Invalidation of Anxiety or Fear
Have you ever been instructed to “calm down” or “stop worrying” when you’re scared? Imagine a friend telling a speaker in front of an audience, You’re worrying too much, everyone gets nervous. Just relax and everything will be okay. Rather than reassurance, you’re brushed off with an invalidation that makes your fear ridiculous.
11. Invalidation of Anger
Anger is a normal emotion, but some people treat it like a flaw. Imagine expressing frustration after a rude encounter, and the other person says, There’s no need to get angry, it’s not that big of a deal. Suddenly, your legitimate feelings are labeled as overreactions.
10. Invalidation of Sadness
Grief and sorrow are owed space, but occasionally others immediately want to “fix” it. If you have lost a loved one and your partner utters, They’re in a better place now, do not be so sad. You ought to attempt to be joyful for them, it is not only unhelpful—it is invalidating your pain.
9. Pathologizing
When you react to your frustration with, You just seem stressed lately, maybe you should take some time off to relax. You feel like your feelings are a personal fault when in reality they are a legitimate reaction to a difficult situation.
8. Emotional Bypassing
Ever heard, Don’t go there, just distract yourself and move on? Emotional bypassing pushes you to repress your feelings rather than go through them, so you’re left with unresolved feelings.
7. Denial
Denial is perhaps the most severe form of invalidation. A kid reports to the teacher that they are being bullied, and the teacher says, That’s not happening, you’re imagining it. Not only does this invalidate the kid’s experience, but it also discourages them from ever asking for help.
6. Comparison
When you’re doing badly and someone tells you, At least you have your health, some people have it worse, it’s a condescending way of telling you your hurt isn’t significant. Comparison makes you feel bad for feeling anything at all.
5. Minimization
Minimization goes like this: It’s only one test, it doesn’t make you. Nobody always gets poor grades. Though intended to reassure, it can make you feel as if your discouragement does not count.
4. From Strangers or Society
Society is quick to inform us of how we “should” feel. A man cries in public, and onlookers gawk or offer disapproving glances, furthering the notion that men shouldn’t cry. These experiences teach us to suppress our feelings to conform.
3. From Friends or Peers
Friends can invalidate without realizing it. If you’re heartbroken and your friend group jokes, Get over it, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, your grief is minimized, and you’re left feeling alone.
2. From Romantic Partners
Partners may dismiss insecurities with, Seriously? You look wonderful! Or switch the topic when you express your concerns. This makes your concerns seem silly or unworthy of notice.
1. By Parents or Caregivers
Parents may brush aside a child’s fear of giving a school presentation with, There’s nothing to be scared of, everybody gets nervous. Suck it up and just do your best. This helps children bottle up their feelings and can result in a lifetime of difficulty expressing emotions.
So, how do you know if you’re being emotionally invalidated? Listen to your instincts—if a person’s reaction makes you feel discounted or minimized, that’s a warning sign. Monitor for maneuvers such as minimization, comparison, denial, emotional bypassing, and pathologizing. See if your feeling changes from one of being understood to one of upset or not being heard.
If you ever find yourself in such situations, remain calm and assertive. Emphasize how their response affected you using “I” statements, such as, I felt hurt when you said that. I was hoping you could listen without judging. Set boundaries if the invalidation persists—sometimes walking away from the conversation is the healthiest choice.
Above all, recall that your feelings are real. Treat yourself with compassion by honoring your emotions and providing yourself with kindness. Remind yourself, it’s okay to feel this way. Find friends, therapists, or groups of people who honor and respect your emotional experience. You are worthy of being heard and understood, regardless of what others may say.