Gaslighting is a buzzword in mental health and relationship discussions these days, but the reality behind it goes far beyond a derogatory insult or a straightforward lie. Derived from the 1938 play “Gas Light” and its film adaptations, the term is a grim definition of emotional abuse in which one individual systematically manipulates another into questioning their own reality.
This isn’t merely about someone being intractable or argumentative—it’s a deliberate pattern of behavior that can destroy a person’s confidence, sense of self, and even their hold on what is real.
Essentially, gaslighting is a psychological game of control. The gaslighter attempts to control by warping reality, denying things, and downplaying the victim’s emotions with the intention of having the other doubt their own perceptions and judgments. Dr. Robin Stern, co-founder of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, says that gaslighting entails making a person doubt their assumptions, actions, and even their sense of self.
Gaslighting is not restricted to romantic relationships. It can manifest between friends, siblings, co-workers, or even in professional relationships such as the doctor’s office. The theme is power imbalance, wherein the gaslighter has sufficient control—whether emotional, financial, or positional—in order for the victim to feel beholden to preserve the relationship, even as his or her self-assurance is chewed away.
Gaslighting tactics are as manifold as they are underhanded. A gaslighter may simply deny something that you know occurred, tell you that you’re remembering incorrectly, or say you’re “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you say you were hurt. They will turn your words around, blame you, or downplay your emotions by stating things like, “I was only joking” or “You’re overreacting.” Other times, they’ll use kind words as a smokescreen and promise to change or declare their love while their behaviors stay the same. Over time, they erode your confidence in your own mind.
The psychological impact of gaslighting is deep. Victims will find themselves doubting their memory, frequently saying sorry, and feeling anxious or on edge with the gaslighter. You may begin to think you can never do anything correctly, or that you are inherently defective. This uncertainty and self-doubt can escalate to anxiety, depression, and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. As defined by the Newport Institute, individuals who have been gaslighted might experience PTSD, trust issues with themselves and others, and be unable to create genuine connections in their future relationships.
Why do individuals gaslight? The reasons are manifold. Some gaslighters are motivated by a desire for control or power, stemming from a place of their own insecurities or histories of trauma. Others can have personality disorders, like narcissistic personality disorder, that compel them to dominate and control people around them. At times, gaslighting is an acquired habit—learned from family structures or past relationships—instead of a deliberate, ill-intentioned tactic. According to Dr. Chivonna Childs, PhD, gaslighting can be a coping strategy or a means of diverting blame, particularly when one feels threatened or vulnerable.
Identifying gaslighting is difficult, and that’s often because it begins slowly and becomes more pronounced as time goes on. You may find yourself walking on eggshells, avoiding discussion of certain topics, or growing more and more disconnected from friends and family members. The gaslighter might dissuade you from visiting with loved ones, mock your support group, or produce crises that require your complete attention. Isolation is an effective tool, and it causes you to become more reliant on the gaslighter and less inclined to consult with others.
If you feel you’re being gaslighted, there are things you can do to re-establish your perception of reality and self-worth. Keeping a record of interactions—through notes, stored messages, or a journal—is a good way to keep it straight when your memory comes under attack. Talking with trusted friends, relatives, or a mental health practitioner can lend a needed ear and support. Having boundaries, for example, not participating in discussions where your reality is invalidated, can serve to protect your emotional space. In others, the healthiest course of action may be to create distance or sever ties altogether, particularly if the gaslighting is pervasive and willful.
Recovery from gaslighting is a process that takes time and frequently involves re-establishing trust with oneself. Therapy is an excellent tool, providing a supportive environment to sort through your experiences, re-strengthen your boundaries, and reconnect with your own instincts. You need to remember that gaslighting is never your fault. The onus lies with the person who is deciding to manipulate and control. By being aware of the signs and reaching out for help, you are able to de-mystify the confusion web and rediscover your own voice and reality.