Heartbreak is not only an emotional agony—it’s a full-body experience that can leave you winded like a semi has sideswiped you. If you’ve ever wondered why a breakup can be so agonizing, don’t worry, you’re not alone. Modern neuroscience and psychology have shed light on heartbreak, and what we’ve discovered is astonishing: the pain of lost love is hardwired into our brain chemistry, evolutionary design, and even attachment patterns.
When you are in love, your head is full of a mix of hormones and neurotransmitters. Dopamine, or as we like to call it, the “pleasure hormone,” is triggered, so every experience with your sweetheart is rewarding and addictive. Oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone,” heightens your feelings of attachment and bonding, and serotonin, noradrenaline, testosterone, and estrogen all play supporting roles in bringing about that dizzying mix of excitement, obsession, and attachment. To neuroscientist Stephanie Cacioppo, love is as necessary to human well-being as water and food, and the brain’s limbic system is hard-wired to reward social attachment with these mood-altering chemicals.
But once it’s gone, the brain reward system crashes. The constant flow of dopamine and oxytocin stops, replaced by stress chemicals such as cortisol and norepinephrine, battering your system. This rapid neurochemical change can set off a chain reaction of physical and emotional symptoms: insomnia, worry, mood swings, headaches, nausea, and even altered appetite and immune function. Clinical psychiatrist Jacquie Olds says that the brain’s response to heartbreak is basically very much the same as it is to bodily pain, which engages the same neural circuits as trauma. That’s why heartbreak hurts literally.
The similarities between love and addiction are dramatic. Brain scans indicate that the brain circuits implicated in falling in love bear a dramatic resemblance to brain activity from exposure to addictive drugs. Professor Nicole K. McNichols asserts that both illnesses stimulate the brain reward centers, including the nucleus accumbens and orbitofrontal cortex, resulting in obsessive longing and a feeling of euphoria.
As love is lost, withdrawal symptoms—rumination, intrusive thoughts, emotional dysregulation—are identical to those of substance addiction. Megan Bruneau, a breakup recovery therapist, calls it an “endogenous addiction,” in which the brain seeks its own neurochemicals instead of an external one.
Attachment styles are another part of the heartbreak puzzle. Individuals with high attachment anxiety—fear of abandonment and need for reassurance—are particularly at risk for intense breakup distress. They are more likely to use self-injurious coping mechanisms such as rumination and self-blaming, which maintain depressive and anxious symptoms. Or, avoidants may appear less disturbed at first and use distancing and denial, but studies find they can become more distressed in the long term if their typical coping skills fail.
A longitudinal study performed by Kristin Gehl established that attachment anxiety and avoidance were both associated with greater utilization of maladaptive coping skills and less utilization of adaptive skills such as acceptance and positive reframing, the latter being associated with greater post-breakup depression and anxiety.
So what does actually work? Science-informed coping skills address emotional regulation, disruption of thought, and reconstruction of self-identity. Labeling your feelings, self-kindness, and anchoring can soothe the stress reaction in the brain. Reframing thinking—disputing the narrative you create of the breakup—allows thinking to transition away from rejection toward expansion. Visualization strategies that envision a positive future self can build new neural networks that facilitate healing. Social support, physical exercise, mindfulness, and positive lifestyle habits all contribute to rebalancing your brain chemistry.
In individuals with extreme or long-term distress, newer interventions such as stellate ganglion block and ketamine infusions are being explored for their fast impact on mood and anxiety when standard interventions fail. These interventions attempt to reset the brain’s stress circuits and to alleviate the most debilitating symptoms of heartbreak.
At the end of the day, heartbreak is a common human emotion, but the science involved can make the hurting feel less mysterious—and healing more likely. The brain’s amazing plasticity allows for new connections to be formed, and for injuries to heal with time and the right treatment.