Parenting children who are both empathetic and assertive is a parenting goal that is at the heart of modern-day parenting. The key ingredient? Educating boundaries and empathy at a young age. These aren’t buzzwords—these are the foundations for healthy relationships, self-esteem, and lifelong success.
Boundaries aren’t just rules about not punching or taking a toy. They’re about how to instruct children where their own boundary is and where someone else’s begins. When children learn to establish and honor boundaries, they’re not simply taking orders—they’re learning to respect themselves and others. In the view of Stephanie Dowd, PsyD, boundaries have to do with knowing and valuing our own needs while also being mindful of the needs of others. This two-way approach is the foundation for empathy, self-knowledge, and respect between people in all interactions.
Empathy is the motor behind healthy boundaries. Even little children can begin to get an idea of how others feel, especially if parents help them notice and label feelings. As Rachel Busman, PsyD, recommends, you don’t need to sit down with a preschooler and say the word empathy. Instead, guide them to notice how a friend feels when a toy is pulled away or when someone is left out of a game. Forcing another child’s own feelings to be a template can help them connect their own behavior with the emotions they evoke in others.
Consent is also part of the equation, and it’s never too early to start. Modeling asking first to hug or touch someone, and listening to words and body language, helps children understand that everyone’s boundaries are valuable. Defined by Prevent Child Abuse Vermont as listening to another’s feelings—not just waiting for a yes or no, but observing facial expression, tone of voice, and body language to hear what somebody is willing to do.
Modeling is robust. Kids are constantly watching, learning how adults treat each other and how they treat them. If parents communicate with each other before making a decision, really hear each other out, and respect each other’s boundaries, kids learn from what they see. As Dr. Busman indicates, demonstrating the behaviors you want your kids to emulate is one of the best ways of teaching boundaries and empathy.
Clarity and consistency are the keys to effective boundary-setting. Unclear or shifting rules confuse and enrage children. Direct, simple rules—like knocking on a door before entering a room or asking permission before taking an object—tell children where they are. Consistent application of boundaries, children feel secure, and respect is learned as a two-way street.
Choice is another tool that empowers children. The Montessori approach, for example, encourages offering scaffolded choices within safe limits. Letting a child pick their outfit from a set of school clothes or choose between orange juice and milk at dinner gives them a sense of agency while keeping decisions appropriate for their age and situation. This builds executive functioning and self-esteem, showing kids that their voice matters within the boundaries you’ve set.
Emotional intelligence, or EQ, is the thread that runs through all of these skills. It’s knowing and being able to control your own emotions, being able to see from other people’s perspectives, and being able to deal with social situations easily. High EQ allows children to handle stress, communicate well, and make effective relationships. Emotional intelligence, HelpGuide states, is as important as IQ for success at school, work, and in life.
Of course, some kids have a little more going on. Kids with ADHD, for example, may struggle with impulse control, reading people, or keeping their turn actively. These issues make it harder to get along with other kids and keep friends, but they can be addressed with practice and patience. Role-playing, discussing scenarios from a book or TV, and providing instant feedback can assist a child with ADHD or developmental delay in learning the social skills they need to excel.
Hands-on activities create learning, social skills, fun, and productivity. Group games like “Simon Says” or board games like “Candy Land” teach turn-taking, cooperation, and gracious losing and winning. Collaborative art projects and reading time discussion enable children to learn teamwork and empathy. Early intervention and the services of pediatric therapists can be the key to a world of success or struggle, especially for children with communication or social interaction difficulties.
Lastly, boundary training and empathy are not about being strict or permissive, but rather teaching the children that they are loved, capable, and responsible for their own actions. In learning to be assertive, kind to others, and socially adept, children are set for a lifetime of healthy relationships and self-growth. The work is grim at times, but the reward—a more peaceful home, healthier children, and a more compassionate world—is well worth it.