If you’ve ever left a conversation with your head spinning, your self-confidence destroyed, and you’re not even certain what just occurred, you may have crossed swords with an emotional manipulator—or worse, a narcissist. They are experts at distorting reality, sidestepping responsibility, and making you wonder if you’re losing your mind. Knowing their playbook is the first step toward safeguarding yourself and regaining your sense of calm. Here are the 10 most insidious manipulation tactics you’ll encounter in toxic relationships, counting down from subtle to soul-crushing.
10. Entitlement and Arrogance
At the core of narcissistic manipulation is a deep sense of entitlement. People with narcissistic personality disorder often believe the world owes them special treatment, and they’re not shy about demanding it. This may manifest as expecting you to put everything on hold for their own requirements, never giving back, or behaving as though rules just don’t exist for them. NPD is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-esteem, a desire for excessive admiration, and arrogant or condescending behaviors, says Abby Medcalf. This arrogance is not merely irksome—it’s a means to make you feel small and undeserving of equal respect.
9. Martyrdom and Playing the Victim
Cheaters are particularly fond of playing the martyr and pretending to be the long-suffering hero or eternal victim. This behavior is particularly prevalent among covert narcissists, who project an outward appearance of humility and self-deprecation. They’ll downplay their own hurt, guilt-trip you about having needs, and turn your empathy back on you. As explained by an experienced therapist, victim-playing tricks on others into guilt and responsibility, frequently generating resentment and self-doubt. The outcome? You find yourself apologizing for something you did not do, and they refuse all accountability for their behavior.
8. Triangulation
Nothing sparks insecurity more than being set against another person. Triangulation is when a manipulator introduces a third person into the situation—perhaps an ex, a buddy, or even a relative—to produce jealousy, competition, or ambiguity. This keeps you in a state of unbalance and longing for approval. In families, it may appear in the form of a parent griping about the other parent to a child, putting the child in the middle. With romantic partners, it’s the typical “my ex never did this” or “everyone else thinks you’re overreacting.” The objective is always the same: to destabilize and keep you scrambling for their attention.
7. Withholding and Silent Treatment
Nothing is more punishing than being iced out by someone you love. Withholding isn’t about affection alone—it can be information, support, or even plain communication. The silent treatment is an old trick, where the manipulator won’t engage, answer, or even respond to your presence after a fight. This makes you anxious, confused, and perpetually in need to “fix things,” even if you’ve done nothing wrong. Gradually, this strategy eats away at your self-esteem and asserts its dominance.
6. Gaslighting and Double Speak
Gaslighting is the ultimate in psychological manipulation. It’s when they make you doubt your reality, memory, or sanity. They’ll deny what you know occurred, manipulate your words, or say you’re “overreacting.” Double speak goes one step further, with contradictory words and actions that keep you guessing forever. As defined by Lissa Rankin, double speak consciously obscures or distorts meaning, frequently crossing into gaslighting and making victims feel like they’re losing their minds. The more you doubt yourself, the easier to control.
5. Blame-Shifting and Deflection
When challenged, manipulators hardly take responsibility for their actions. They’ll deflect the blame to you instead, accuse you of being too sensitive, or bring up your past failures to evade responsibility. This is often referred to as “switchtracking,” which sidetracks the issue and has you defending yourself rather than dealing with the actual problem. Deflection and blame-shifting create confusion and redirect attention, say relationship gurus, making it virtually impossible to fix conflict or hold the manipulator responsible.
4. Love Bombing and Future Faking
In the beginning, manipulators may knock you off your feet with all-encompassing affection, presents, and promises of a dream future. This is love bombing, and it’s wonderful—until it isn’t. Once you’re in, the affection vanishes, and you’re left pursuing the buzz of those initial days. Future faking is when they create big plans—vacations, marriage, dramatic life changes—but never deliver. These strategies breed dependence and bewilderment, holding you in a relationship based on false assurances. Love bombing hooks you with deep attachment, and future faking promises better days ahead, even when there are none.
3. Double Binds and No-Win Situations
Ever feel like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t? That’s a double bind. Manipulators create situations in which any decision you make is incorrect, keeping you locked in a vicious circle of tension and self-blame. For instance, if you forget their birthday, you are insensitive; if you also celebrate it, you are accused of making them feel older. These no-win situations leave you tiptoeing on eggshells, constantly trying to guess what they will do next. As described by Kate Amber, double binds make you feel trapped and helpless, which is precisely where the manipulator wants you.
2. DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)
DARVO is a force-to-be-reckoned-with tactic employed by narcissists and abusers to avoid accountability. When challenged, they will initially deny any wrongdoing, next attack your character or credibility, and lastly switch roles to present themselves as the victim and you as the offender. This technique is so potent that, according to Dr. Avigail Lev, DARVO tends to make victims blame and question themselves, while onlookers view the abuser as being less at fault. The result is a vicious cycle of abuse, confusion, and emotional drain.
1. Coercive Control and the Trauma Bond
First on the list is coercive control—the umbrella under which all these techniques fit. It’s coercive control, dominating another human being by threats, manipulation, deception, or psychological coercion. It is not necessarily physical; it may be the slow erosion of your self, boundaries, and autonomy. It establishes a trauma bond, where you get emotionally and chemically attached to your abuser and can’t leave, even when you know you need to. As Lissa Rankin has explained, coercive control forces you into a “cult of two,” where there is one controlling and the other is controlled. The longer you are here, the less you will be able to envision the exit path.
If any of these strategies ring a bell, understand that you’re not alone—and that noticing the pattern is the first step towards breaking out. Emotional manipulators get good at making you doubt yourself, but with awareness and support, you can take back your power and build healthier, more genuine relationships.