Have you ever found yourself doing something for your child, then asking yourself later if you helped or harmed them? Even the most doting parents can inadvertently erode their child’s self-esteem and resilience. Let’s turn the tables and count down the top five most toxic parenting habits that can quietly erode your child’s self-esteem—and what you can do instead.
5. Overprotection and Helicopter Parenting
Hovering over your child’s every move might feel like love, but it can send the message that you don’t trust them to handle life on their own. Helicopter parenting is defined by overinvolvement in a child’s life, usually motivated by the need to protect and direct. Parents who helicopter tend to hover and manage their children’s activities, choices, and interactions,” says Susan Landers, MD. This monitoring can result in anxiety, low self-esteem, and risk avoidance.
Children must deal with small setbacks and create their own solutions to develop resilience. If parents intervene every time, children might feel helpless, nervous, or fearful of new experiences. Instead, allow your child to have age-suitable choices, have natural consequences, and learn from errors. It’s alright to allow them to stumble sometimes—those are the times in which true development occurs.
4. Guilt-Tripping and Emotional Manipulation
Have you ever exclaimed, “After everything I do for you, you can’t even assist?” Guilt-tripping is a manipulative technique that will obtain prompt obedience, but at what price?. As explained by A Fine Parent, “Guilt-tripping is an indirect form of communication that uses shaming or blaming someone to convince them to comply with a request. Prolonged feelings of guilt, particularly when guilt-tripping is used on someone as a continuous manipulative tool, can lead to depression, anxiety, and paranoia.”
Kids who grow up with regular guilt-tripping may shut down emotionally, lose confidence, or even seek out unhealthy relationships later in life. Replace guilt-tripping with open communication and empathy modeling.
If you find you are using guilt, stop and attempt a replacement with a problem-solving or need-expression statement that does not blame.
3. Favoritism and Comparison
You may believe you treat your children equally, but ingrained favoritism can creep in through tone of voice, levels of patience, or the way you applaud and correct. As East Lake Pediatrics describes, “Favoritism can result in jealousy, resentment, and long-term emotional distance. Both favored and non-favored children suffer with negative consequences, including lower self-esteem and trouble with adult relationships.”
Comparing children—”Why can’t you be more like your brother? “—can lead children to believe they’ll never get it right, stoking competition and insecurity. Instead, compliment each child’s strengths as an individual and steer clear of comparisons.
Rotate privileges, establish fair rules, and listen if your child complains that things are not fair. At times, merely validating their feelings will have a great impact.
2. Dismissing Effort and Shutting Down Feelings
When parents dismiss a child’s effort or downplay their feelings—”Don’t worry about it,” or “That’s not a big deal”—children can feel invisible or insignificant. Kristina Campos, creator of The Impactful Parent, cautions against denying a child’s attempts or emotions, which sends them the message that what they do and how they feel is not important.
This can undermine self-esteem and make children reluctant to attempt or speak up over time. Instead, observe and cheer effort, rather than outcome.
Encourage your child to label and speak about their emotions, even the difficult ones. When children feel understood and respected, confidence increases.
1. Not Promoting Independence and Problem-Solving
Getting everything done for your child or doing all their decision-making may seem beneficial, but it actually demolishes their sense of independence. As noted by Intown Psych, “Empower your child by encouraging them to solve problems on their own. Whether it’s handling a conflict with a friend or figuring out how to complete a task, allowing your child to make decisions and face challenges fosters a sense of autonomy.” Children require opportunities to make decisions, fail, and correct things independently. This is how they gain confidence in their abilities and resilience in the face of failure.
Assign your child age-appropriate tasks, allow them to experiment with new skills, and avoid rescuing them at the first sign of difficulty. Your faith in their ability is the building block of their self-confidence. Parenting is hard, and no one has all the answers. But by being mindful of these unconscious habits, you can guide your kid to become a capable, resilient adult—one who knows she or he is capable, worth something, and loved for just who they are.