Feeling your partner pull away can be one of the most confusing and anxiety-inducing experiences in a relationship. Whether it’s a sudden drop in communication, less affection, or an inexplicable emotional distance, it’s easy to spiral into worry or panic. But understanding how to respond can make all the difference—not just for your peace of mind, but for the health of your relationship. Here are the 10 best things to do, in order from 10 down, when you feel like your partner is pulling away.
10. Trust Your Instincts and Evaluate the Situation
If you feel a change in your partner’s energy, trust your instincts. As Goddess Vibes points out, “As women, our intuition is rarely wrong.” Nevertheless, don’t jump to conclusions. Stop and question whether the pull away is actual or if it might be caused by your own attachment style or previous experiences. What appears to be pulling away may be a natural fluctuation in the relationship or your partner navigating other stressors in his or her life.
9. Don’t Overreact or Chase
When he or she pulls back, the natural tendency is usually to close the distance—texting more, asking for reassurance, or demanding responses. But as Matthew Hussey describes, “Because we’ve made this person so important, what kicks in when they pull away is a fight instinct. I am going to fight for this.” Such a reaction may actually push the partner further away from you. Avoid the tendency to chase or become clingy. Allow the relationship to breathe.
8. Prioritize Self-Care and Autonomy
Redirect energy towards yourself. Do things that make you happy, get in touch with friends, and spend time on your own well-being. As Marriage.com puts it, “Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Engage in activities that make you feel good and maintain your independence.” Not only will this improve your mood, but also remind your partner of your worth and autonomy.
7. HONOR THEIR NEED FOR SPACE AND INDEPENDENCE
Space does not have to be an enemy of intimacy. It is true that many people, particularly those with avoidant personalities, require time alone to deal with emotion or stress. Stephanie Rigg stresses, “If you want to support your avoidant partner, respect their need for space, rather than insisting on your own desire for extreme levels of closeness.” Space can actually generate the tension that brings your partner back, as explained in the Rubber Band Theory.
6. Be Clear and Direct in Your Communication
When you feel the moment is appropriate, have a frank and open discussion regarding what you’re experiencing. Utilize “I” statements to convey your emotions without blame. According to Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, “Make sure to lead with curiosity when you have these conversations, instead of accusing your partner of shutting you out.” Direct communication makes both partners aware of each other’s needs and minimizes misunderstandings.
5. Do Not Use Blame, Criticism, or Accusations
Blaming or criticizing your partner for withdrawing nearly always has a negative effect. Stephanie Rigg observes, “Avoidant people have a real sensitivity around feeling inadequate. They often feel that they’re always disappointing people.” Rather, concentrate on making your own emotions and desires known without having your partner feel judged or attacked.
4. Be Patient and Give Them Time
Relationships are cyclical, and individuals may need some time to work through their feelings or experiences. Marriage.com suggests, “Give him time to work through his feelings, and be patient with the process. Rushing or pressuring him can make things more challenging.” Have faith that if there is a strong connection, your partner will come back when he’s ready.
3. Create Emotional Safety and Vulnerability
Establish a setting in which your partner can open up their feelings without the threat of judgment or rejection. Counseling Associates for Well-Being emphasizes, “Emotional safety involves ensuring they can share their thoughts and feelings without fear of ridicule or judgment.” With both partners feeling secure, it’s simpler to reconnect and talk about the issues at hand.
2. Get Support and Perspective
Discuss with trusted friends, a counselor, or a relationship coach for insight and emotional support. At times, an outside perspective can enable you to see the matter more clearly and prevent unproductive patterns. Marriage.com recommends, “Share your feelings with a trusted friend or counselor to gain perspective and emotional support during this time.”
1. Reconsider Your Own Needs and Boundaries
Use this period to examine what you really desire and require out of a relationship. If your partner’s withdrawal pattern makes you feel perpetually insecure or unappreciated, you might need to examine whether this relationship is in harmony with your values and preferences. Matthew Hussey has it right: “Someone else’s uncertainty about you is not an indication of your lack of value. Someone’s uncertainty should be an indication of their lack of value to you.” Just recall that your emotional health is as important as your partner’s.
It’s not easy to navigate the intricacies of a partner pulling away, but with self-respect, patience, and open communication, a difficult situation can turn into one of building and strengthening you and your relationship.