The Fine Line Between Love and Control
Initially, it may be flattering when someone desires your undivided attention or becomes a bit jealous—it can be a sign they truly care. Popular culture does, after all, tend to sentimentalize possessiveness, erasing the fine line between love and control. But when constant checking in and suspicion are the norm, love begins to resemble less of a bond and more of an enclosure.
Why Jealousy and Control Aren’t Love
No matter what TV and social media say, jealousy and controlling behavior aren’t manifestations of intense love—they’re most likely manifestations of more entrenched insecurities. In most relationships, couples establish “rules” early: no chatting with particular people, constant GPS sharing, or even phone checks. Although these behaviors may be excused as expressions of devotion, they’re often a product of fear, not concern.
The truth is, nothing can prevent a person from lying. If a person is either going to cheat or lie, they will do it anyway, no matter how closely they are watched. Control does not ensure faithfulness; it only substitutes trust with fear.
The Root of Possessiveness: Insecurity and Fear
Possessiveness usually arises out of personal insecurity, not love. It may be a response to abandonment issues in the past, low self-esteem, or fear of not being good enough. In such a relationship, one partner attempts to establish a sense of security by controlling the other, while the other might feel incapable of setting firm boundaries or expressing themselves.
This dynamic can transform a relationship into a pressure cooker. What had been previously safe is now felt as suffocating, and the room for both to grow together starts to diminish.
Phone Checking: A Modern-Day Compulsion
One of the most ubiquitous symptoms of insecurity in relationships today is the compulsion to look through a partner’s phone. Therapist Orit Krug, who has publicly described her struggles with the habit, says it is typically a result of unresolved trauma—abandonment in particular. The compulsion is a desire to know for sure, attempting to anticipate pain by knowing everything.
But no level of snooping produces real peace of mind. Even if no worrying thing is discovered, the question remains. What if they’re just covering it up better the next time?
The only true means of breaking this cycle is to stop—period. It won’t be simple in the beginning, particularly when fear sets in. But with time, space, and a better comprehension of your emotional patterns, trust can start to rebuild—not only in your partner, but in yourself.
Why Control Damages Relationships
Attempting to control a person by restricting their autonomy, seeking constant updates, or tracking their activity has the effect of driving them away. Individuals who feel constricted or distrusted will tend to pull back emotionally, which paradoxically causes more control. It is a cycle: the tighter one partner tightens, the farther the other withdraws.
This is not to say the acting-out ones are innocent. But the point is, control does not create closeness—it creates resentment and distance.
Healthy Love Looks Different
A positive relationship is founded on mutual respect, open communication, and respect for one another’s autonomy. Rather than placing restrictions, healthy partners communicate openly about boundaries, expectations, and phobias. Some couples discover that a more open or even open-ended relationship arrangement is suitable for them. Other people simply establish space for one another’s individual development.
That growth can bring pressure, too—encouraging your partner to be their best self isn’t wrong. But it’s important to make sure it’s coming from a place of support, not a desire to mold or control.
Recognizing and Changing Unhealthy Patterns
If you’re starting to notice patterns of jealousy, controlling behavior, or obsessive checking—either in yourself or your partner—it’s worth taking a step back. Ask: What’s driving this? Is it fear of abandonment? A lack of trust? Unhealed wounds from the past?
Navigating through these patterns often takes vulnerability and, more often than not, professional support. Therapy is able to unravel the origin of insecurity and restore emotional safety in an honest and permanent manner.
For the simple reason that, in the end, love shouldn’t be something you need to monitor, control, or pursue. The healthiest of relationships free both individuals up to be themselves fully, comfortable in the knowledge that they’re valued, respected, and unencumbered.