Let’s be realistic—love alone isn’t enough to keep a marriage thriving. Even the head-over-heels couple can get trapped in patterns of bad communication, fighting over nothing, and an expanding emotional distance. That’s where Dr. John Gottman’s work sheds light. His research provides something wonderfully pragmatic: a roadmap for couples who don’t simply want to stay married—they want to create something wonderful.
Gottman didn’t have feel-good theories or generalities. He spent years observing real couples in real circumstances, determining what makes successful, happy relationships different from those that fail. What he learned formed the basis of his Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work—a collection of habits and strategies that can assist couples in building their relationship, communicating better, and weathering the challenges of life together.
Step number one?Building what Gottman calls “love maps.” These are your private maps of your partner’s inner landscape—their likes and dislikes, their fears and dreams, and their stressors of the day. It’s not a question of remembering what their favorite snack food is, but rather of staying tuned into who they are in there.
They are better able to navigate change and conflict, the Gottman Institute explains, because they truly know and understand each other. But admiration is not enough—you also need to like them. Compliments and appreciation are the superglue of feelings in a relationship. With time, it is so easy to take each other for granted or forget the best things about one another
That is why Gottman suggests that couples trade compliments, thank each other, and look back on the good times. Or whether it’s a nice compliment over a cup of coffee or a good laugh about a cherished memory, small gestures such as these can reawaken intimacy and help couples weather the rough weather.
And then there’s the mundane connection—the small things we shift toward each other. Gottman calls them “bids” for attention, affection, or comfort. It could be as simple as a smile, a query, or a touch on the arm.
When partners consistently reply to these bids with interest and warmth, they create emotional intimacy and trust. As more of these small exchanges accumulate and add up over time, they create a cushion of goodwill that will cushion a relationship against bad times.
Shared decision-making and respect also matter. Perhaps the most important finding of Gottman is the importance of accepting influence from your partner. It’s not about surrendering your opinions—it’s about hearing each other out, respecting one another’s contributions, and finding a middle ground. This type of relationship builds a sense of equality and collaboration, particularly in times of conflict. Surprisingly, men might struggle more with this because of societal expectations, but adopting this maxim can bring a greater connection and fulfillment to both partners.
Conflict, of course, is unavoidable in any long-term relationship. But it doesn’t have to be toxic. Gottman found that most of the relationship problems—nearly 69%—aren’t actually “solvable.” They’re caused by personality differences or by deeply held values that a person has had all their life. The solution isn’t winning these fights, but having them respectfully, with curiosity and compassion. For the more solvable issues, getting at them with kindness and “I” statements can work wonders. When emotions start to rise, having the skill to attempt a repair—a joke, a gentle word, a time-out—can serve both partners in returning to the middle.
At times, couples become mired in the same complaint repeatedly. That’s when “dreams within conflict” are utilized. Gottman discovered that such stuck fights are usually connected to something more profound: a dream, a value, or a fear not yet revealed. When couples get curious about what’s beneath the disagreement, they create an opening to more substantial conversation. Seeing and respecting each other’s hopes—even if you disagree—can get you closer to each other and allow you to work around the problem instead of head-butting endlessly.
And last, successful couples create something more than mere day-to-day survival. They establish a shared meaning—a shared purpose and identity as a team. That is derived from the rituals you create, the stories you tell, and the objectives you establish together. Whether it is a Sunday breakfast ritual, common spiritual values, or lengthy discussions regarding where you both see yourselves in 10 years, these shared moments create a relationship that feels abundant, deep, and distinctively your own.
Gottman’s principles are grounded in solid research, but they speak to the heart, too. They remind us that great relationships aren’t built in grand moments—they’re built in everyday choices, quiet kindnesses, and the decision to keep learning about and loving each other. Although not a prescriptive solution for every couple—particularly those with severe mental illness or cultural issues—the underlying message is strong: with care, curiosity, and patience, it’s entirely possible to create a marriage that is not merely stable, but deeply joyful.