Have you ever met someone and felt that instant spark—the kind that makes your heart beat faster and your thoughts race with what-ifs? Well, it’s easy to think that this kind of chemistry must mean a relationship’s secret to being around forever. Movies, TV shows, and love songs have convinced us that true love begins with that magnetic pull you just can’t ignore. But is that the full story?
Let’s get a little closer to what chemistry is all about. That butterflies-in-your-belly feeling and that surge of electricity when you’re with the person you’re attracted to isn’t romanticized—it’s also a chemical reaction. From The Happiness Doctor, what we refer to as “chemistry” is a combination of chemicals, such as cortisol, epinephrine, and dopamine, surging through your system when you’re with someone who gets your attention. These chemicals can create a high, but they also reduce serotonin, which affects your ability to think clearly. In other words, you’re caught up in the thrill, but not necessarily seeing things for what they are.
Here’s the catch: chemistry is strong, but it’s unconscious and fleeting. As coach Marie Judith put it, chemistry is like a sparkler—bright and thrilling, but short-lived. It doesn’t take much to feel it, and because it can die fast, people tend to mistake that initial spark for long-term potential. But once the high wears off and reality sets in, what’s left?
The reality is, chemistry doesn’t necessarily translate into being really compatible. That strong attraction you feel could simply be your brain noticing something similar from your history, even if those weren’t good things. Like The Happiness Doctor says, we’re attracted to what is familiar, and that can result in a repetition of old relationship patterns without our even knowing it. What feels like fate could just be a reminder of something unresolved.
So, what does keep a relationship going? That’s where something more profound comes in—something some call “alchemy.” While chemistry is involuntary, alchemy is about deciding to craft something real. Marie Judith likens it to working with a campfire: it requires effort, patience, and intent from both individuals. It’s rooted in things like mutual values, emotional truth, trust, and shared development. It doesn’t happen—you make it together, piece by piece.
If you’ve ever wondered why relationships that start with so much intensity can fall apart just as quickly, it’s because chemistry can’t carry a relationship on its own. As The Happiness Doctor points out, once the initial excitement fades, what matters is the foundation you’ve built—respect, friendship, and a shared vision for the future. Without that, even the most passionate connection can feel empty.
So, how do you transcend that first flash and create something substantial? It begins with being open. Dr. Diana Kirschner advises folks to let relationships develop over time-even if the first date doesn’t quite register like fireworks. Chemistry can evolve as you learn new things together and allow one another to open up. This will be extremely helpful in being able to distinguish between instant attraction and real compatibility, made possible with patience and awareness of your patterns.
Long-lasting love also requires intention. Here, Marie Judith made a point of showing up for your relationship, made through checking in with each other, being emotionally available, and facing challenges as a team. This turns your relationship from something that just happens into something you actively build and nurture.
Ultimately, the most valuable relationships are those in which each person is dedicated to developing, not only as a person, but as a couple. Chemistry can ignite the fire, but it’s alchemy—the aware, affectionate bond—that maintains it burning over time.