You just had a baby, and everyone assumes you should be radiating happiness and basking in new parenthood. But rather than feeling that way, you find yourself seething with frustration, possibly anger, directed at your partner. If that’s you, take a breath—you’re not broken, and you’re certainly not alone feeling this way.
Early parenthood resentment is astonishingly widespread, yet not many people discuss it. Life’s most significant shift is becoming a parent. Your body just went through an incredible change, your daily routine is turned on its head, and your sense of self is in flux—sometimes all simultaneously. And suddenly you’re not partners anymore. You’re teammates in the most high-stakes job of your life: keeping a tiny human alive. It’s no surprise that the emotional toll can feel heavy.
Let’s face it—mothers often take on the brunt of the physical and emotional changes during pregnancy and postpartum. It’s a level of sacrifice that can be hard for even the most supportive partner to fully understand. On top of that, postpartum care tends to be baby-focused, often leaving the mother’s needs overlooked. When you’re feeling exhausted and invisible, and your partner doesn’t seem to get it, resentment can start to take root.
Then there are the body changes after you have a baby. Your body changes a lot. You might feel sad, worried, and very tired. If you feed your baby yourself, you might feel like your body isn’t yours. You are always touched, needed, and depended on, while your partner might seem free and less used up. It’s easy to keep track, and even easier to feel like you’re behind.
Social media makes it worse. Other people seem to have the perfect life—they smile, their babies sleep, and their photos look great. But you’re just trying to get by. That gap between how things look and how they are can make you feel upset, let down, and alone.
But a big reason for feeling upset is how jobs are shared. Being a parent lasts forever; it’s not just for a little while. When one person does more, it’s normal to feel tense. Sometimes your partner truly does less, and you have to deal with it. Other times, it looks different, and you need to see and spot it. The key is to notice when these upset feelings happen—and figure out why. So, what can you do when resentment begins creeping in?
Begin with honest, real talk. Discuss how things are going at home. Who’s doing what? Is it fair? It may be helpful to sit down and create a list of daily responsibilities—physical, mental, and emotional. Even just looking at it all out in front of us can lead to greater understanding. This is not about getting everything 50/50; it’s about establishing a rhythm that works for both of you.
Fair and equal are not always the same thing. If you spent the night tending to the baby while your partner slept, a baby duty of an hour does not seem like the same thing for each of you the following morning. Flexibility and understanding can work wonders.
You also require space, physical and emotional breathing room. Look for little moments to yourself, even if it’s just going for a walk alone, grabbing a coffee alone, or having an uninterrupted shower. You’re important, too. And when you’re taking that time, let your partner go solo with the baby. It’s not only beneficial for you—it benefits them by building confidence and bonding with your child.
And if these talks aren’t working, or the resentment becomes seemingly insurmountable, therapy can be a lifesaver. It doesn’t have to wait until things are at their worst. Couples therapy can be a preventative measure to get to know each other better, regulate expectations, and get through the emotional merry-go-round that accompanies early parenthood.
Don’t lose sight of the relationship you had pre-baby. It may seem like a lifetime ago, but the connection is still there—it just requires some tending. Go back over the memories of falling in love, why you both decided on one another, and what made you unique. Make time for little moments of intimacy. A giggle during nap time, a cup of coffee together, or an evening meal after bed can reconnect you both.
Here’s the truth: It’s completely normal to feel suffocated, aggravated, and yes, even resentful after having a baby. But those emotions don’t necessarily mean your relationship is over. With honesty, partnership, and elegance, you can weather this time of change together and emerge even stronger.