If you’ve ever lain awake in the dead, gazing at the ceiling and asking yourself if you want kids, you’re not alone. For some, deciding to be a parent is one of life’s most intimate—and complex—decisions. Increasingly, individuals are beginning to call that assumption into question, and their motivations for doing so are as varied as their lives.
The Myth of Certainty—and the Reality of Not Knowing
Ann Davidman, a therapist who has spent decades guiding folks through the parenthood dilemma, says her clients are most often racked with isolation in their uncertainty. They fear there’s something wrong with them because they’re still unsure. But uncertainty, she says, is much more widespread than most folks know.
We’re often told that one day we’ll “just know,” but for many, that moment never comes. Instead, they spend years—sometimes decades—grappling with the question, often while juggling pressure from partners, family, and societal expectations.
Some of the conflict is because of what Davidman refers to as our “pronatalist culture,” where having children is the assumed track. Those who affirmatively choose not to have children might find their voices with certainty. But for those of us in the middle ground, who are ambivalent either way, the journey can be lonely—and even stigmatized. Authentic freedom, Davidman contends, lies in choosing to make a conscious, truthful choice. One based on your moral standards, not on fear or societal conditioning.
Why More People Are Choosing Not to Have Kids
Something is changing. In a Pew Research Center survey, the number of U.S. adults under the age of 50 and childless who report they are not likely to ever have children grew from 37% in 2018 to 47% in 2023. The U.S. fertility rate fell to an all-time low last year. The choice not to have kids is more prevalent and deliberate.
One of the largest reasons cited? Freedom.
Consider Dyanna Volek, a San Francisco local government worker. She never envisioned herself as a parent, and for her, not having children means more time for travel, leisure activities, and early retirement planning—a life she and her husband enjoy. Others, such as Cecilia Sanders, determined that the emotional burden of parenting was too great, particularly to tend to their mental health.
For others, it’s also a pragmatic decision. Having a child is costly. Couple that with no paid family leave, expensive childcare, and women still shouldering most of the caregiving responsibilities, and it’s little wonder some are deterred. Sociologist and writer Amy Blackstone comments that the COVID-19 pandemic only served to highlight how little there is in terms of systemic support for parents in the U.S.
Health and safety issues are particularly urgent concerns for others. Yana Grant, a Black woman from Oklahoma, did not have children partly because of the health dangers Black women encounter when they are pregnant. She also decided because for her, it was a matter of control, of guarding what belongs to her in a world that doesn’t always provide that liberty.
And gender roles are shifting, too. In previous generations, many women became mothers because it was expected, not necessarily because it was what they wanted. Today, more women feel empowered to ask themselves what they truly want, even if the answer goes against tradition.
If You’re Torn, You’re Not Alone
Feeling uncertain doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re being thoughtful. Davidman urges individuals to isolate desire from decision, since they’re not identical. Most try to determine what they want and what they will do about it at the same time, creating overwhelm.
Rather, she recommends pushing pause on the pressure. Break away from the lists of pros and cons (after a while, they go round and round) and quiet yourself. Experiment with writing exercises. Imagine living each choice for a few days—what arises? Write out your fears and others’ expectations, and then set them aside. What remains?
You don’t require crystal clarity. You simply have to be honest with yourself. You may desire children, but forgo them due to practical considerations. Or you may not desire children strongly, but opt for them because it feels appropriate to your life. What is important is that the choice originates from the inside out, rather than from fear, guilt, or external pressure.
The Ups and Downs of Living Child-Free
Selecting a child-free lifestyle can result in real benefits. Pew’s studies reveal that childless adults tend to feel more secure financially, have more time for leisure activities, and enjoy greater career and relationship flexibility. Most report better friendships, more spontaneous vacations, and a general feeling of equilibrium.
But there are sacrifices:
There remains a social stigma. The childless are frequently accused of selfishness, of disliking children, or of being warned they’ll live to regret it. As Dyanna Volek points out, the childfree may consider that choice more carefully than parents do, because it goes against societal norms.
Regret is possible either way. Some prefer to say they’d rather regret never having children than regret having them. And then there’s always an opportunity cost: in choosing one road, you always shut the other one down. One author wrote about envying her friends who were sure about motherhood, but eventually came to realize she loved her independence, creativity, and freedom.
What Fulfillment Really Means
We’ve long been taught that true fulfillment comes through parenthood. But more people are rewriting that narrative. For some, meaning comes from travel, a fulfilling career, creative pursuits, or deep relationships with loved ones—partners, friends, nieces, nephews, or chosen family. Even pets. Fulfillment doesn’t come from ticking boxes. It comes from knowing what matters to you—and living in alignment with that truth. There isn’t one right answer to whether or not to have children. Parenthood isn’t the fate of every individual. And a childless life isn’t a default. Whatever your decision, ensure that it is your decision. Not one based on fear, pressure, or assumptions—but on clarity, reflection, and self-trust.
And wherever you end up? It’s alright to be unsure. It’s alright to have a change of heart. And it’s better than alright to claim your path—regret, happiness, liberty, and all.