Every marriage goes through ups and downs, but sometimes the struggles run deeper than a rough patch. When distance grows, communication breaks down, or resentment lingers, these can be warning signs that the relationship is in serious trouble. Here are some of the most telling signs to watch for—and why they shouldn’t be ignored.
10. Disinterest and Lack of Effort
When the flame goes out and you or your partner fails to keep working, it’s a red flag. Relationships require constant tending, such as a garden that cannot live on yesterday’s rain. If you find that spending time together, cuddling, or even just calling to ask about the other person’s day is less and less common, that’s not normal—it’s a symptom of the relationship falling into autopilot. Naomi Light says disinterest can creep up on you, but it can be the first step toward a dying marriage.
9. Negative Comparisons and Criticism
If you catch yourself wondering that your partner is not as good as others, or you catch yourself making such statements as, “Why can’t you be like so-and-so?” that’s a red flag. Criticism, particularly when more than compliments, will wear away self-esteem and bonding. Talkspace points to research that indicates healthy relationships require a ratio of at least five positive interactions to one negative one. When criticism is the order of the day, resentment fills the air, and the relationship becomes more of a battleground than a partnership.
8. Avoidance and Lack of Communication
Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. If couples quit discussing anything other than logistics—kids, bills, and chores—or deliberately steer clear of tough conversations, problems brew. Poor communication creates unresolved negative emotions that silently poison the relationship, Black Swan Ltd. reports. If you or your partner are avoiding each other to maintain peace, it’s usually a sign you’ve lost the curiosity and empathy that initially brought you together.
7. Emotional Distance and Living Parallel Lives
When you feel more like roommates than partners, that’s a huge sign of trouble. This may look like sleeping in different bedrooms, preferring to be alone, or just not caring about each other’s feelings or experiences. As Naomi Light describes, couples at this point tend to live parallel lives with emotional numbness taking over for warmth. Loneliness may be deep, even if you’re technically together.
6. Loss of Intimacy and Affection
Intimacy is not all about intimacy—it’s about holding hands, having that inside joke, or just being around one another. When these little things of connection fade, emotional distance increases. Verywell Mind states that a loss of intimacy can be a sign of emotional distance if you or your partner no longer desires any level of closeness. At times, changes in health or life are involved, but when no attempt is made to reunite, it’s a sign the marriage is in trouble.
5. Secrecy, Lying, and Broken Trust
Trust is key to a healthy marriage. Secrets accumulate—if you’re keeping secrets about shopping, where you’re going, or having close emotional relationships with other people—trust dissipates. When you have the urge to monitor your partner’s messages or accuse them of lying, that is a red flag for deeper problems. According to Verywell Mind, trust issues commonly contribute to emotional insecurity and instability in the relationship.
4. Disrespect, Contempt, and Public Shaming
When eye-rolling, sarcasm, or contempt are normal parts of day-to-day interactions, the relationship is in trouble. Contempt is listed by Dr. Charmain F. Jackman as one of the most poisonous indicators of a failing marriage. Public mockery of your spouse or dismissal of how they feel can be humiliating and demonstrates a fundamental lack of empathy and respect. Such behaviors, particularly when habitual, are difficult to recover from.
3. Engaging in Emotional or Physical Intimacy Outside of the Marriage
It is natural to have friends and someone to confide in, but when you keep resorting to someone else for a sense of excitement or emotional fulfillment, the marriage becomes secondary. This may be an emotional affair or even a physical one. As described by Virginia Williamson, if you find that you’re sneaking around on this activity and making the other person more important than your spouse, it means your marriage is at risk.
2. Chronic Negativity and the “Four Horsemen”
When negativity becomes the norm—constant criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—it’s a recipe for disaster. Relationship expert John Gottman refers to these as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” of marriage. In Naomi Light’s words, once these dynamics establish themselves, arguments quickly escalate, and efforts at repair tend to fail. The relationship can become stuck in a cycle of blame and bitterness.
1. Abuse or Total Emotional Withdrawal
Regardless of what, abuse in the form of physical, emotional, or verbal is never tolerable. If you’re in danger or being abused in some way, it’s important to call for help right away. On the flip side, total emotional withdrawal—where one or both of the couple members have tuned out completely—can be just as destructive. It’s reported by Verywell Mind that when neither effort at communication, connection, nor repairing is made, the marriage can very well already be dead in everything but name.