Generosity? It’s one of those features that are loved by all people, but very few understand them at all. We were taught by our parents and teachers that it is good to give, to be kind, and to serve others. But what if giving makes us feel exhausted, and resentful, and that people don’t notice us? Plus, how do we really know that our generosity is helping others rather than hurting us in some hidden way?
The True Meaning of Generosity
As Yale School of Management researchers found, the inquiry into the first being what constitutes a generous act is more about the why of giving than what is given. Is it the number of individuals we touch, or is it the sincerity of our motive? Can any act of kindness ever be entirely free from self-interest, or are we constantly, in some form or another, looking to gain a positive sensation or to be noticed?
The Science-Backed Benefits of Kindness
If you have ever experienced the glow of your heart after doing a good deed, you didn’t imagine it. A number of studies prove that acts of kindness not only cheer one up but also reduce stress and even lead to improved physical health. As the Mental Health Foundation states, selfless behavior is related to improved individual health, social connections, and a greater sense of belonging to something greater than oneself. Kindness can lower blood pressure, release feel-good brain chemicals, and create a ripple effect—when you’re kind, others are more likely to pay it forward.
But here’s the catch: kindness isn’t only about others. It’s also about you. As the Mayo Clinic Health System suggests, showing kindness to yourself—in the form of affirmations, self-care, and gratitude—can be as life-changing as any external act.
The Fine Line: Generosity vs. Overgiving
Here’s where it gets confusing. Not all giving is equal. There is a universe of difference between healthy generosity and overgiving—the latter being that which exhausts you, gets you anxious, or makes you resentful. According to Vera Velini, generosity is a product of abundance and love with no strings attached. Overgiving tends to be driven by fear—fear of rejection, confrontation, or inadequacy. It is given to calm your uneasiness or to gain approval, as opposed to out of caring.
The consequence? Burnout, resentment, and one-sided or unsatisfying relationships. If you’re perpetually saying yes when you mean no, or feeling invisible after investing your energy into others, you may be trapped in the overgiving cycle.
Why Boundaries Matter: Self-Care as the Foundation of Healthy Giving
Healthy generosity has nothing to do with martyrdom. It has everything to do with balance—knowing when to give, when to take a step back, and when to fill up your reservoir first. As Karen of Veritus Group says, kindness requires its siblings: honesty, authenticity, empathy, and self-love. Without boundaries, kindness can devolve into self-sacrifice, leaving you tapped out and, ironically, less capable of helping anyone at all.
Giving Without Expectation: The Secret Ingredient
One of the most convincing transformations you might be able to bring about is the practice of giving as if you were never to get anything back. It does not mean that you do not want others to return you the favor—reciprocity is necessary and good—but it means that your happiness is not dependent on other people’s reactions. As Neel Raman explains, giving without expectation frees one from the experience of disillusion and makes the act itself the reward. It deepens your connections with others, raises your self-worth, and gives you the feeling of thankfulness.
Navigating Expectations and Entitlement in Relationships
It’s reasonable to expect others to meet us halfway, but expectations can lead to disappointment and resentment. The presumed similarity bias—the expectation that other people think and act as we do—can cause us to ask more of others than they are capable or willing to provide. As one therapist explains, bringing your expectations down and concentrating on what you can control (your behavior, your boundaries) can make relationships happier and healthier.
This does not equate to putting up with abuse or abandonment. If a relationship is really one-sided, then it’s time to back away and invest your energy elsewhere. But in most relationships, just a bit of give and take and knowing yourself can accomplish wonders.
Practical Wisdom: Cultivating Smart, Sustainable Generosity
So how do you become a “smart giver”—a giver who lifts others without sacrificing yourself? It begins with self-reflection. Ask yourself why you are giving: From love or fear? Are you doing it so you’ll be praised, or so you’ll help? Monitor your impact, pay attention to how giving makes you feel, and make the changes necessary.
And remember, kindness is a practice, not a performance. It’s about being present for others—and for yourself—in ways that are authentic, sustainable, and real. When you give from a place of fullness without expectation or self-sacrifice, you create a ripple effect that changes not only your relationships but also your life.