Have you ever found yourself questioning your memories, feeling isolated from friends, or wondering why you always seem to be apologizing in a relationship? If so, most likely you’re entangled in the web of narcissistic manipulation—a confusing, draining, and sometimes very cunning form of emotional abuse that even the strongest people can get lost in. Let’s break down the seven most harmful tactics narcissists use to manipulate and undermine their partners, starting with the worst.
7. Smear Campaigns
When a narcissist is threatened or exposed, they generally form a smear campaign—spreading rumors, manipulating stories, and trying to ruin your reputation. This is not gossip; this is a purposeful effort to isolate you from your support group and portray you as the bad guy.
A smear campaign by Taylor Counseling Group is “A smear campaign involves the narcissist spreading rumors or lies to damage someone’s reputation and alienate them from their support group.” This tactic keeps you under the control of the narcissist and can make it hard to get the help you need.
6. Hoovering
You’ve finally escaped, believing that you’ve rid yourself of this poisonous relationship. But then the narcissist is back—apologizing, with grand gestures, begging to be rescued. This is called hoovering, and it’s to draw you back into the unhealthy cycle. The narcissist will offer to change, guilt you, or call on special occasions. As defined by The Better You Institute, “Hoovering involves different manipulative behaviors to be near the survivor; Examples include: insincere apologies, reaching out at odd moments, reaching out during special occasions, desperately needing help, making grandiose promises, etc.” If you see yourself in this pattern, cutting contact is normally the safest way to protect yourself.
5. Triangulation
Ever felt like you’re being pitted against someone else, or that the narcissist is playing people off each other? That’s triangulation. Narcissists love to create tension and conflict between people, making themselves the center of attention and control. They might gossip, spread rumors, or bring a third party into your arguments. This keeps everyone confused and competing for the narcissist’s approval. From Taylor Counseling Group, “They define Triangulation as an insidious narcissism tactic of tension or conflict creation between people and groups.”
4. Love Bombing
It’s magic to begin with—constant compliments, presents, and attention. Love bombing is not genuine enthusiasm, though; it’s a tactic of manipulation. The narcissist overloads you with love to build your trust and lower your defenses, and then takes back the love to keep you on the pursuit high. “Love bombing is when you are overwhelmed with never-ending gifts, flattery, and attention.
That sets in motion a cycle of psychological abuse where the love bomber starves you of love and attention to control you.” Its overwhelming intensity and boundaries are challenged at lightning speed. If you are feeling rushed, pressured, or idealized, hit the brakes and listen to your instincts.
3. Projection
Narcissists are masters at accusing others of their unwanted behaviors. If they’re being dishonest, they’ll accuse you of being dishonest. If they’re angry, now you’re the one with the temper. This is projection—a way to keep narcissists from having to examine their flaws and directing blame toward you. According to Taylor Counseling Group, “Projection occurs when a narcissistic parent, sibling, or partner places their behavior, feelings, or ideas onto others.” This tactic can leave you bewildered and on the defensive, forever trying to prove your innocence.
2. Playing the Victim
No matter what happens, the narcissist gets to play the victim. They overstate conflicts, create false situations, and manipulate others into feeling sorry for them. This tactic is used to deny responsibility and gain sympathy, often turning your support system against you. As Taylor Counseling Group puts it, “A narcissist plays the victim by putting themselves in the position of the one wronged when, in fact, they are the one doing the damaging.” If you find yourself constantly apologizing or justifying yourself, it’s time to reassess the dynamic.
1. Gaslighting
The most damaging tactic of them all: gaslighting. This emotional manipulation causes you to question your own reality, your own memory, and your judgment. Narcissists either deny what they have said or done, distort the past, or minimize your emotions. You start doubting yourself, becoming confused, and not trusting your brain after a while. As Jessica Anne Pressler defines it, “Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one makes you doubt your reality, memory, perception, or judgment.” It’s this corruption of faith in the self that makes gaslighting so devastating—and so hard to get over.
Narcissistic manipulation is not just a collection of bad habits—it’s a system that works on purpose to control, alienate, and destabilize. Victims are often haunted by anxiety, depression, confusion, and a shattered sense of self-worth. Awareness of these strategies is the very beginning of defending yourself. Recognize the manipulation, establish strong boundaries, cut back on contact when needed, and listen to your intuition. Securing a solid support system—friends, family, or a therapist—can assist in restoring your equilibrium and sense of self. Don’t forget, you are worthy of respect, honesty, and true love—not conditional love meant to hold you hostage under someone else’s authority.