Ever find yourself pushing someone away at the exact moment things begin to feel comfortable? Or perhaps you tend to pick fights, make excuses, or begin questioning your partner’s motives the instant intimacy grows. If so, you’re not alone. Relationship self-sabotage is one of the most frustrating contradictions of the human heart: we want love and connection, but sometimes we’re the very ones holding ourselves back.
Self-sabotage isn’t just a buzzword—it’s a deeply ingrained set of behaviors that can quietly unravel even the healthiest relationships. At its core, self-sabotage is about protection. When we act out of fear—of being hurt, abandoned, or exposed as “not enough”—we unconsciously try to control the outcome, even if it means ruining a good thing. As Natasha Adamo puts it, self-sabotage is about “getting in your own way. Destroying a good thing. Keeping an opportunity from materializing. Halt a good thing from escalating. Showing someone who loves you away because it makes you feel at risk” (Natasha Adamo).
But why do we? The reply is often through our earliest moments. Self-sabotaging patterns are often ingrained in childhood—learned from parents who taught through fear, insecurity, or emotional unavailability. If you came up under a parent who was quick to criticize and slow to comfort, you might have learned to anticipate disappointment, to wait for the other shoe to fall, or that love is conditional and temporary. As one psychologist explains, “We tend to recreate familiar patterns from our childhood because they are familiar or because at one point, they made us feel safe” (Clear Your Mind).
Layered on top of these childhood scripts is toxic shame—the soul-eating emotion that convinces us we’re unworthy of love, belonging, or connection. As relationship coach Adam Duke explains, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection” (Adam Duke). Shame manifests as self-hatred, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or grandiosity—but in relationships, it appears most frequently as a glass ceiling on intimacy. We may settle for less, push others away, or hold on too tightly, all in a futile effort to sidestep the pain of being truly noticed and potentially rejected.
So how exactly does self-sabotage then appear in everyday relationships? It’s not always some grand, theatrical thing. Sometimes it’s the little things: comparing the partner to past partners, putting up impossible expectations, fighting when things are quiet, or going cold right when things are getting deep. Sometimes, though, it’s more blatant—cheating, lying, or abruptly ending things whenever vulnerability becomes too much. As Natasha Adamo observes, “When we are accustomed to red flags waving and the draining roller coaster rides that accompany emotional unavailability, we are conditioned to be cautious. But if we find ourselves entangled in unhealthy patterns like relationship sabotage, we are sabotaging ourselves and no one else” (Natasha Adamo).
Toxic shame is the fuel that continues these dynamics. It tells us we’re not enough, that we’ll be abandoned if we let someone close, or that we need to prove our worth by being perfect or likable. This shame tends to create behaviors such as people-pleasing, defensiveness, or even contempt—anything but the vulnerability of actually being seen. As Adam Duke describes, “Shame is a maladaptive coping strategy from a negative childhood event. As a fear of rejection, shame is responsible for most relationship issues” (Adam Duke).
The key ingredients in shattering the cycle are awareness and, second, becoming aware of the thoughts, feelings, and actions you’re having without judgment. Mindfulness—being present and noticing the thoughts, feelings, and actions you’re having without judgment—can help you see the moments you’re poised to self-sabotage. Journaling can be another powerful ally. Writing down your thoughts and actions, you distance yourself from them and can come to see the patterns for what they are: old survival techniques, not facts about your value or your future.
After you identify your patterns, the second step is to become familiar with discomfort. Growth occurs beyond your comfort zone, and that involves taking risks of vulnerability, failure, and even rejection. As one psychologist explains, “Changing the relationship with how you perceive failure paves the path to eventually letting go of the importance attached to it. Reframing failure as another valuable lesson learned towards your growth is a great way to do it” (Clear Your Mind).
Healing from self-sabotage is never a solo act. Because shame is conceived in isolation, it can only be healed in conjunction with friends, mentors, therapists, or communities where you feel safe, seen, and accepted. As Adam Duke stresses, “Relationships in which you feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure are the only places where you can heal toxic shame. Without such connections, perpetual floundering in survival mode is virtually inevitable” (Adam Duke).
Finally, the antidote to sabotage is self-worth. When you feel you are lovable—because you are human and not because you’re faultless—you no longer need to control, test, or sabotage the good things that come your way. You learn to trust yourself, allow love in, and remain present even when it seems frightening. As Natasha Adamo reminds us, “You have so much to offer, and even if you can look back at a train wreck of a past with previous relationships, know that a happy and fulfilling relationship is something you deserve. You have no reason to feel ashamed or undeserving of good things. Especially someone who can love you” (Natasha Adamo).
Self-sabotage can be a persistent friend, but it’s not your fate. With awareness, empathy, and proper assistance, you can get out of your own way and actually allow yourself to receive the love you’ve desired all your life.