Let’s discuss something that quietly affects our lives and relationships: emotional invalidation and self-gaslighting. Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Maybe I’m just overreacting,” or “I shouldn’t feel this way,” you’re not the only one. These habits usually go deep, embedded in our earliest experiences and how we speak to ourselves now.
Self-gaslighting is more than a buzzword—it’s an actual, devious tendency to question your own perceptions, memory, and emotions. It usually begins in early childhood, particularly if you had parents or caregivers who minimized, dismissed, or even denied your emotional lives. Gaslighting, according to Hopeful Panda, is emotional abuse that employs manipulation, minimizing, and lying to make one question or doubt his or her thoughts, feelings, memories, experiences, perceptions, reality, or even sanity. Coming from a parent, it can leave indelible scars—questioning your own reality and destroying your self-confidence.
With time, these outside messages are internalized. You begin to shut yourself up before others can, reminding yourself you’re “too sensitive” or “making a big deal of nothing.” As Nanette Patterson has described it, self-gaslighting occurs when you dismiss your own feelings, thoughts, or experiences, usually before anyone else does. It’s a skill that you learn, most often from years of being invalidated by other people—parents, teachers, friends, partners, even spiritual leaders.
The symptoms can be subtle yet potent. You may minimize your feelings, have trouble trusting your own memory, excuse other people’s hurtful actions, over-apologize for stating your feelings, or feel bad about establishing limits. You may overlook red flags in relationships, believing you’re simply being “too sensitive.” These habits don’t only erode your self-esteem—they can cause anxiety, depression, and a perpetual feeling of loneliness.
Emotional invalidation is not always intended to harm. At times, individuals invalidate your emotions because they are uneasy with feelings, don’t know what to say, or are distracted. As detailed by Psych Central, emotional invalidation is either done intentionally or by accident, but always sends a message that your feelings don’t count or are wrong. Whether it’s a parent saying “You’re overreacting,” a partner claiming “It wasn’t that bad,” or a friend giving you unsolicited advice rather than listening, the outcome is the same: confusion, self-doubt, and a distrust of your own feelings.
The effects bleed into all areas of life. Invalidating your emotions can erode your sense of identity, so you struggle to know who you are or what you want. It may make it hard to regulate emotions, leading to anxiety and depression. In relationships, invalidation destroys emotional safety—the source of trust and intimacy. As Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby describes, when there is invalidation, it “really erodes the emotional safety between you and your partner. And ugly things can start happening in a relationship when people aren’t feeling safe, and respected, and heard, and understood” (Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby).
So how do you end the cycle? It begins with awareness. Observe when you’re discounting your own feelings or questioning your experiences. Ask yourself, “Would I say this to a good friend if they were going through a tough time? ” If not, it’s time to question those thoughts and replace them with self-validation.
Rather than “Maybe I’m overreacting,” say to yourself, “My emotions are valid, and I deserve to have them.” Rather than “I should just get over it,” say to yourself, “Healing is a process, and I deserve to work through my feelings.”
Self-compassion is important. Be as kind and patient with yourself as you would with a beloved friend. Self-trust development requires learning to authenticate your own experiences, even when others can’t relate. You don’t require validation from the outside world to validate your feelings. Repeat such phrases as, “What I felt was real, even if someone else perceives it differently,” or “I am permitted to trust my own experiences.”
Be around emotionally safe people—friends, mentors, therapists, or communities that promote open, honest communication. If you have been invalidated for decades, bonding with people who support and validate you can transform your life. Therapy can be a miracle worker, particularly if self-gaslighting is a result of trauma or abusive relationships. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) allows you to develop awareness of your thoughts and feelings, learn improved coping mechanisms, and establish healthier patterns of behavior. Trauma-focused therapies such as TF-CBT or EMDR may assist you in working through and recovering from past traumas.
In individuals with obsessive-compulsive behaviors or perfectionism, exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP) may assist you in learning to become comfortable with uncertainty and have confidence in your own perceptions.
Emotional validation isn’t just about feeling good—it’s about building stronger, healthier relationships. When you validate someone’s emotions, you communicate acceptance, strengthen your bond, and foster better emotional regulation. As Verywell Mind explains, emotional validation helps people feel seen, heard, and valued, opening the door to self-compassion and confidence. Keep in mind, recovery from self-gaslighting and emotional invalidation is a journey. It is a journey of time, patience, and practice. But with each step you move toward self-awareness and self-compassion, your relationship with yourself and the people who are most important to you gets stronger. You don’t have to minimize yourself to make others feel at ease. Your feelings are real, your experiences are valid, and you are worth celebrating them.