If you’ve spent any time scrolling through social media, you’ve probably seen the bold, empowering slogans about boundaries: “If they don’t like your boundaries, cut them out! ” or “You never have to explain your boundaries to anyone! ” These messages are everywhere, and for anyone who’s ever felt drained by over-giving or people-pleasing, they can feel like a lifeline.
They also vow strength, clarity, and a means to finally put your own needs first. Yet as comforting as these strict rules may sound, they can quietly destroy your most important relationships.
It’s no wonder this advice is so trendy. After decades of putting everyone else first and sacrificing your own needs, the notion of establishing a clear, unapologetic boundary is like taking back control. And in certain situations—such as handling an abusive ex, a manipulative friend, or a coworker who simply refuses to heed your “no”—these strategies actually work. They allow you to draw a bright line in the sand and defend yourself against further abuse. But life’s not always that black and white. When you use the same hard-and-fast rules with the people who trust you, love you, or care for you, it gets ugly in a hurry. You’re shutting off friends who are just lost or hurt by your new boundaries.
You’re refusing to clarify things, even when someone is truly willing to listen. You’re ending conversations and leaving relationships that could just use a little more communication and compassion. The reality is, most social media boundary guidance is written for unhealthy relationships, not healthy ones. In truly dangerous circumstances—where someone consistently disrespects you, disregards your needs, or refuses to shift—assertive, non-negotiable boundaries are crucial. Your responsibility is to safeguard yourself, not to educate, bargain, or manage their feelings.
If you’ve demonstrated to them repeatedly that they’re not okay to be open with, you don’t owe them an explanation. You don’t have to reassure their damaged feelings or argue your right to say no. Your boundary is your shield, and it exists for a reason. But healthy relationships are another tale. No relationship will be perfect—disappointment, conflict, and unmet needs come with the territory. What differentiates healthy relationships is respect, care, and an openness to repair when things are not going well. In these relationships, boundaries aren’t about creating walls but about giving space for both individuals to flourish.
When you’re establishing a boundary with someone you love, it can be very useful to clarify where you’re at. Perhaps you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or just need more time by yourself. Telling your loved one the whys of your boundary isn’t about defending yourself—it’s about providing your loved one with the information they need to know you and stand with you. Picture your best friend all of a sudden cutting way back on seeing you, or your partner not wanting to discuss something you’ve always talked about.
Wouldn’t you want to know why? A bit of context can go a long way toward maintaining trust and connection. It’s also natural for folks you love to feel bummed, hurt, or even anxious when you establish a new boundary. In healthy relationships, you usually can make space for their feelings. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to alter your boundary or internalize their emotions as your own.
It simply means recognizing that your decisions impact them and being a bit empathic towards their experience. Sometimes, merely saying, “I know this is difficult, but I need this for myself,” can be the difference-maker. And then there’s compromise. Not all boundaries are a must-hold. While safety, respect, and basic well-being must never be negotiable, other needs—such as how much time you spend together, or how you handle holidays—may have some flexibility.
In a healthy relationship, both individuals can collaborate and come up with solutions that meet everyone’s needs, even if that means no one gets precisely what they want. In the words of John Gottman, compromise never looks perfect, but it’s about feeling respected, honored, and understood. The bottom line? Strict, one-size-fits-all boundary recommendations may feel liberating in the short term, but they can quietly break down the trust and intimacy that give relationships their value.
The actual boundary-setting is not knowing how to stand firm and when to flex, how to protect yourself and how to open up, how to walk away, and when to lean in. The healthy relationships succeed with grace, communication, and willingness to grow together, not on lines drawn in the sand.