The beginning of dating establishes the tone for all that comes afterward. But minor missteps—such as coming on too strong, playing too many games, or disrespecting boundaries—can easily snuff out attraction before it has a chance to develop. The following are 10 of the biggest mistakes to watch out for if you desire to maintain the spark.
10. Why being a challenge is key
Let’s start with the classic mistake: making yourself too easy to get. According to Lola Odu, “Giving a man total access to your time and attention, especially early on in a budding romance, is the kiss of death.” If you’re always available, you’re not a challenge, and people—yes, men and women—quickly lose interest in what’s easily obtained. The most magnetic people are those who have a full, exciting life of their own. They’re not waiting around for someone to complete them; they’re already content, and that’s irresistible.
9. The power of restraint and measured communication
Ever felt the urge to text someone constantly, just to keep the connection alive? Resist it. Over-initiating contact, particularly text-initiating, can condition the other individual to be indifferent and lazy, as noted by Lola Odu. If you’re constantly the initiator, you deny them the space to miss you and chase you. Rather, allow communication to be balanced and measured. If someone gets cold, don’t pursue—allow them to re-engage, and if they do not, then you move on.
8. Why you must appreciate how someone makes you feel
It’s simple to get caught up in how much you enjoy someone, but the truth is, it’s not about how much you like them; it’s about how they make you feel. Matthew Hussey emphasizes that you ought to quit loving someone for how you feel about them and begin loving them for how they treat you. If a person’s actions leave you feeling anxious, unwanted, or uncertain, that’s a sign to set back your investment. Your emotional wellness comes first.
7. Steer clear of the fantasy trap and obsession
Why do we end up obsessing over someone we hardly dated? Living with Limerence says that the mix of unpredictable reward, unresolved issues, and the temptation of the intriguing stranger can lead to a cycle of obsessive thinking. The thing is, much of what you’re obsessed with is a fantasy version of the person, not the actual human being. Recognize when you’re filling in the gaps with your imagination, and redirect your energy toward building a fulfilling life outside of the obsession.
6. Letting others wonder about you
Mystery is attractive. If you put all your cards on the table too early, you take away the thrill of not knowing anything about you. Craig from Ask Craig indicates that if you show yourself too aggressively, there is no excitement or intrigue left. Allow people to wonder what you are doing, what you are thinking, and when they get to see you again. This builds anticipation and sustains attraction.
5. Self-esteem and confidence’s role
Self-confidence is the magic sauce of attraction. If you’re dating from a position of insecurity—you’re hoping someone’s going to find you likable, instead of remembering your own worth—you’re probably going to look desperate. Coach Corey Wayne tells us that when you don’t view yourself as equal, your words, behaviors, and body language will radiate the image that you’re not worthy, and that’s very unappealing. Secure individuals pace themselves, evaluate compatibility, and don’t jump into exclusivity.
4. How over-pursuing causes rejection
It’s an old trap: acting like someone is a priority when they haven’t yet earned it. If you over-chase—coordinates fancy dates, texting excessively, or treating them like you’re already dating—the other person might feel suffocated and trapped. Coach Corey Wayne reports that coming on too strong is one of the quickest ways to get blown off, particularly if the other individual isn’t emotionally where you are.
3. The value of boundaries and independence
Strong boundaries are the foundation of fulfilling relationships. If you get lost in the other person—sacrificing your interests, friends, or autonomy—you become less appealing and more susceptible to disillusionment. Boundaries involve recognizing what you desire, expressing your requirements, and maintaining the other person’s space. Not only does this safeguard your well-being, but it also maintains the relationship respectful and equal.
2. Why unpredictability fuels attraction
Human psychology is wired to crave unpredictable rewards. When someone’s attention is intermittent—sometimes warm, sometimes distant—it can make them more addictive than someone always available. Living with Limerence describes how unpredictable rewards can hook us, much like a slot machine. But beware: this can also lead to unhealthy obsession if you’re not careful. The healthiest approach is to maintain your own unpredictability by living a full life and letting others earn your attention.
1. The risks of being overly interested too quickly
And lastly, the largest error of them all: coming on too strong before really getting to know someone. Whether you’re professing your love, mapping out your future together, or making them the focus of your entire universe, this type of intensity can be stifling and even terrifying. Craig explains that when you leap all in before you get to know somebody, you’re wasting your value and not allowing both individuals an opportunity to reveal what they have to offer. Be slow, allow attraction to develop naturally, and keep in mind: the best relationships are mutual, balanced, and founded on genuine interest—and not desperation.