Unrequited love is an experience nearly everyone has had at some point. It can make even the most self-assured individuals feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and a little lost. It hurts all the worse when the object of your desire simply can’t reciprocate—NOT because of poor timing or lack of chemistry, but because of something as simple as their sexual orientation.
Maybe you’re a straight woman falling for your gay best friend, a gay man crushing on a straight guy, or a queer woman finding yourself drawn to someone completely outside your usual type. Whatever the situation, the emotions can feel both deeply familiar and uniquely isolating.
So why do these kinds of crashes happen in the first place? A lot of it comes down to emotional safety. As Dario, a gay dating and relationship coach, describes, it can feel strangely safe to fall for someone who’s not available, such as a straight man when you happen to be gay.
You get to have the excitement of a crush without the risk that comes with exposure. You know it can’t work, so you don’t have to risk rejection. But that safety can be a trap, holding you in a one-sided attachment that keeps you from reaching for something true with someone who might just love you in return.
Attraction doesn’t always follow logic. As Sophia of Here’s The Thing states, it’s natural to get feelings for someone you feel safe and at ease with, even if you know nothing’s ever going to be romantic.
The edges between friendship and romantic love usually get blurred more than we like to admit. Sometimes, no matter all the logic, your heart just doesn’t care about facts.
But then the tough part comes along—confronting that those feelings aren’t going away. That can lead to a lot of negative emotions. You may feel ashamed as if you should’ve known better. Or frustrated and sad, particularly if you are not a social person and now feel like your affection was “wasted.” It’s simple to begin to dissect every moment you spent together, questioning whether you misinterpreted something or made a mistake.
Here’s the thing: you don’t have to do a thing. Sophia’s counsel is straightforward and earthy—you don’t have to do anything with your feelings, and you don’t have to tell them if telling them would make things more complicated. But do permit yourself to feel what you feel without judgment. The more you attempt to shut off or shame your feelings, the more charge they will carry. It’s acceptable to acknowledge that the circumstances were not fair, but don’t allow it to dominate your whole love story.
The key here is being kind to yourself. Most people have fallen in love with someone they couldn’t be with. It doesn’t make you weak or stupid—it makes you human. Don’t make your feelings the focus of your relationship with them. Just continue to be a good friend, and don’t let your unrequited love monopolize your relationship. Remember that it is not their fault they can’t feel the same way.
As you continue along, take some time to reflect on whether there are any commonalities with your crushes. Do you tend to fall for the unavailable people? Is it perhaps that there is security in knowing it can’t be? Perhaps it’s a means of avoiding vulnerability or fear of being close. Discussing it with a therapist or taking time for honest contemplation can cause you to realize these patterns and begin the process of shifting toward relationships where your heart is reciprocated.
And most importantly, remember that you are worthy of love in return. Unrequited love may sound romantic or literary, but authentic happiness is in being with someone who feels for you in return. Let yourself be open to others and experiences beyond your set presumptions. You may be surprised at who makes you feel completely understood.
Unrequited love stings, but it doesn’t have to define you. With patience, self-compassion, and the ability to let go, you can move on—and make room for the kind of love that will choose you back.