Resentment is one of those feelings that can creep in and linger. Even when you’re trying to let go, it’s like something holds you back, replaying the old pain, holding on to anger, or nursing bitterness in silence. If you’ve ever said to yourself, “Just get over it,” and became frustrated that you couldn’t, you’re not alone.
The reality is, resentment isn’t always about what transpired—it’s frequently about what remains stuck within us. Here are five of the most prevalent (and frequently surprising) reasons resentment lingers—and what it’s attempting to communicate.
5. Resentment as Protection
In its essence, resentment can function as emotional armor. As clinical psychologist Amy Robbins, PsyD, illustrates, we at times retain resentment not to hurt the other person, but in an attempt to safeguard ourselves. Particularly after profound betrayals, such as infidelity or broken trust, resentment can be a subconscious shield against further hurt.
If your mind continues to perceive the situation as threatening, resentment enters as a defense. It might be attempting to prevent you from trusting too quickly or reopening a wound you don’t have the strength for yet. Knowing what you are trying to defend can be the next step toward easing the stranglehold resentment holds on you.
4. The Illusion of Control
There is an odd sort of solace in clinging to anger—it can be strong. As therapist Rachel Fleischman, LCSW, points out, resentment provides the illusion of mastery: over the one who wronged you, over the narrative you’re constructing, or over the emotional damage.
But control is temporary and frequently agonizing. Rather than protecting you, it may isolate you emotionally, locking you into a cycle of rehashing instead of healing. Authentic peace doesn’t arise from holding on so hard—it arises from letting go of what no longer serves you, even if it means allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
3. Letting Go Feels Like Losing
For most people, letting go of resentment is like surrendering. Sarah Baroud, LICSW, describes how forgetting can provoke fear that your anger wasn’t worth it—or worse, the guy who wounded you gets away.
But forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened was okay. And it’s not about giving someone a free pass. It’s about choosing your emotional freedom over a never-ending emotional standoff. Releasing resentment doesn’t mean losing—it means choosing yourself over the burden of unresolved pain.
2. Avoiding the Hard Conversations
One of the reasons resentment hangs on is that it feels too daunting to address the issue directly. It’s easier to silently seethe than to have that tough conversation, particularly if you don’t know how it’ll be greeted—or if it’ll be greeted at all.
But without that honest accounting—either with the other person or with yourself—resentment boils. You might not be able to fix the relationship, but acknowledging the truth about how you feel, what you needed, and what you didn’t receive is a key aspect of healing.
1. No Closure, No Resolution
The most common reason resentment hangs on? A lack of closure. When you’re left without an apology, acknowledgment, or any real resolution, it’s hard to move forward. That lingering sense of injustice keeps the emotional wound open.
Other times, however, what we truly seek is validation—someone to tell us, “Yes, what happened to you was wrong.” But sometimes that validation must come from the inside out. Knowing that you might not ever receive closure from the other individual is what enables you to start crafting it yourself.
Resentment Affects More Than Just Your Mood
Unresolved resentment isn’t only draining emotionally—it affects your relationships, mental acuity, and even your health. Dr. Robbins points out that harboring bitterness brings about tension in the body and can drive people away, leading to a cycle of disconnection and hurt. Research has even connected chronic resentment to diminished cognitive function and lower overall well-being.
But here’s the thing: You don’t have to “get it right” all at once. Resentment is something you work through. The intention isn’t to never feel it—it’s to know it, see where it’s coming from, and begin to change your relationship with it. Bit by bit, that hold can release—and with it, your peace of mind can come back.