Life at home can be a wild ride—full of love, fun, and yes, some fights. If you think your family fights too much, or feel you’re not doing well because it’s not always calm, know you’re not alone. Fights are a normal part of family life. What matters is not how much you fight, but how you make up after.
Many believe that a good family never fights. Yet, studies show even the best relationships often have misunderstandings more than perfect times. Ed Tronick and Andrew Gianino found that babies and their caregivers are in tune just 30% of the time. Mostly, they’re not matching up or are trying to fix their bond. These gaps and fixes are key to a kid’s growth. They teach them to deal with let-downs, control their feelings, and get strong in a world that doesn’t always go their way.
If your childhood home had a lot of fights or ignored problems, you might find yourself doing the same now. Maybe you dodge hard talks until things blow up, or you blame others fast. But here’s good news: you can learn new ways to handle fights, no matter your past. The trick is to stop dodging fights and to learn how to fix things afterward.
Fixing means coming back together after any upset. It means saying sorry for real, and making it right. This isn’t just a quick “sorry” and then moving on. It’s about listening well to the other person, saying their feelings are okay, and working together to stop the same issue from coming back. As Dan Siegel, a brain doctor, says, fixing breaks is the most important part of being a parent.
Kids are like feeling detectives. They notice tones, looks, and the mood at home, often more than the words said. When fights happen, they need to see that it’s okay to be upset, to talk it out, and to come back together. If they don’t see fights getting fixed, they think fights are bad or pointless. But if they see grown-ups admit mistakes, say sorry, and fix things, they learn that love can get through tough times and even get stronger.
Here are steps for solving fights well. Start by keeping your cool. When feelings are high, taking a break — maybe a walk or some breaths alone—helps a lot. Then, when calmer, talk it out using “I” words, talk about exact actions and feelings, not just blaming. For example, say “I felt hurt when I was interrupted at dinner,” not “You never listen.” This keeps the track talk.
It’s key to fix fights in front of your kids when you can, or at least tell them how you fixed it. This shows them that it’s normal to have big feelings, everyone has a part in a fight, and fixing is possible. If you need to cool down, say it: “I’m upset and want to talk when I’m calmer. When would be good?” Then, make sure you talk later.
But what if fights don’t get fixed, or if unhealthy ways, like being too close, start to grow? Being too close can blur the lines between parents and kids, making it hard for kids to be themselves. If a parent leans too much on a kid for support, the kid can feel stuck, like they must make the parent happy, and feel bad for wanting freedom. As time goes on, this can harm their confidence and make adult relationships hard. Seeing these patterns is the first step to change—for parents and grown-up kids.
Building a home where fixing is normal means saying it’s okay to mess up, and coming back together is key. Watch for small signs of wanting to reconnect—a look, a tap, a quiet “Can we talk?”—and answer openly. Push for words like “I need to fix this” or “Can we start over?” When you mess up, own it without excuses. A real sorry, a ready ear, and clear steps to do better mean a lot.
Family fights aren’t a sign you’re failing. They’re a chance to grow, to strengthen ties, and to show the next bunch that love isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being there, fixing mistakes, and choosing to connect, over and over.