Friendship is one of the strongest pillars of our emotional and psychological health. It influences our well-being, happiness, and sense of belonging. And yet for many men, close friendships become less common as they age, producing a silent epidemic of isolation. While cultural myths still celebrate the figure of the solitary, emotionally inaccessible man, the truth is much more complicated—and much more vulnerable.
How Men Create Attachments—And Why It So Often Fails
Friendships between men build on a basis of shared activity more than emotive discussion. Consider pickup ball, game nights, camping excursions, or simply sitting in for a game on TV. Relationship forms more commonly shoulder-to-shoulder than face-to-face. Relationship coach and trainer Daniel Ellenberg says men typically start from a neutral place—sports, work, or something they’re interested in—and sometimes, but not always, go deeper over time.
This is not merely a matter of personal habit—this is social conditioning. Boys are encouraged from a very young age to eschew vulnerability. Expressing emotion or reaching out for closeness with other boys is discouraged or mocked, and many men carry their withheld emotional needs deep into adulthood.
The Cost of Emotional Avoidance
Due to this discomfort with emotional closeness, a lot of men look to the women around them—partners, mothers, sisters, female friends—when they’re in need. This makes for a restricted network of support and puts a huge emotional weight on women, lots of whom are increasingly resisting becoming men’s sole emotional exit.
The deeper expense, though, is paid by the men themselves. Isolation can creep up on anyone, even men with busy lives and professional achievement. One man described how relocating to a new town left him so hungry for connection that he lusted after even trivial chat with strangers. Such isolation can result in anxiety, depression, and loss of self.
And it’s not just uncomfortable—it can be lethal. Middle-aged men, particularly those who’ve been divorced or estranged from their kids, have some of the highest suicide rates. Men’s emotional isolation can kill.
How Female Friendships Differ
Women, on the other hand, tend to frame their friendships in terms of emotional intimacy and continuous contact. They include frequent consultations, shared secrets, and intense loyalty. They’re rich emotionally, but more likely to have explosive fights when things don’t meet expectations.
Friendship coach and author Danielle Bayard Jackson describes how women typically expect mutual support, trust, and honesty from their friendships. When those understood rules are violated, the blow feels intensely personal.
Even so, the emotional underpinning of women’s friendships affords some support that many men do not ever know. And that’s not just individual—it’s also biological. Oxytocin (a hormone that encourages bonding) is more present in women, particularly when times are stressful, driving what’s been termed the “tend and befriend” response.
How Men See Friendship Differently
Men, however, tend to be more likely to depend on “activity-based” friendships. They will go weeks or months without texting and yet feel as though the connection is still there. For many men, the friendship does not break as long as the connection picks up where it left off when they finally get together.
But contemporary life makes this more difficult. Job pressure, parenting, and technology have consumed unstructured social time. The informal hangouts that once facilitated friendships—drinking, late-night conversations, extended phone calls—are scarcer. Worse, social media has come to make people feel connected on the surface, but is increasing the disconnection beneath.
One study revealed that adults who use more than two hours a day on social media are much more likely to feel lonely. Friendship requires time and being present. Studies indicate it takes about 90 hours of contact with someone to transition from being an acquaintance to being a friend, and nearer to 200 hours to be closer.
What Can Be Done?
No shortcut, but a way out. Experts suggest men begin by being intentional: reach out, propose meetings, and regularly show up. Even if it begins with mutual activities, emotional depth can develop—if men are willing to gradually open up and experiment with small stakes of vulnerability.
Me . ‘s groups, support groups, and retreats that are intentional about creating real connection have been particularly effective for dismantling emotional barriers. These environments make it acceptable to have open dialogue and learn that it is not weakness to express emotion—it’s a strength.
Rethinking What Friendship Means for Men
Friendship isn’t just a bonus or a “nice-to-have” in life—it’s a necessity for emotional and physical health. As cultural expectations around masculinity begin to shift, it’s time to challenge outdated ideas about what male friendship should look like. Emotional connection, support, and vulnerability aren’t just feminine qualities—they’re human ones. When men make the effort to anticipate greater things from their friendships—and put more effort into them—they permit themselves to flourish. Creating greater friendships requires work, but it’s one of the strongest acts of self-care men can undertake.