Most likely, you would think that marriage is the ideal solution to loneliness, but the truth is that the majority of people become lonely despite the fact that they live with a partner and share their life with them. This is a very painful loneliness that you stumble upon unexpectedly, and you ask yourself, “Why do I feel so lonely when I am together with others?” If this is the case with you, then you are definitely not the only one who has been in this confusing maze of feelings.
Marital loneliness is significantly more common than people realize. According to a survey mentioned by Verywell Mind, nearly one-third of couples over 45 admitted to feeling lonely. Moreover, it is not a question of being physically present with one another or not; it is all about the kind of your relationship. You may be sitting on the couch together every night and feeling as if you are from two different planets.
So what does marriage loneliness exactly mean? It is being together with someone and still feeling empty, the awkward silence being there because you don’t know what to say, or because you feel unheard if you do say something. Maybe you have already started to behave as if you are invisible to your partner, working late at the office, or scrolling through your phone without any purpose to avoid experiencing another night of feeling invisible. The lack of physical affection may be the cause of separation, but it is the emotional distance that causes the pain.
Why is this? There are as many reasons as relationships to this problem, but some are typical. Communication break is one of the major reasons. When the deep, intimate conversations are gone, partners can start feeling like strangers to each other. As the Marriage Notebook states, forgetting to share your inner world with your partner can gradually break down your relationship’s foundation. Eventually, both partners may no longer talk about what matters most and drift apart slowly.
Unmet emotional, physical, or practical needs can also be a wedge. Perhaps your partner used to make you feel special, but no longer does. Or maybe you both work so much and deal with so many curveballs in life that you don’t even have time for each other. Traumatic events, such as losing a job or experiencing a medical scare, can amplify fissures in your bond, particularly if you don’t feel heard and understood.
Social media isn’t helping, either. Comparing your actual relationship to everyone else’s highlight reel can make your relationship feel subpar, breeding dissatisfaction and isolation. And then there’s the effect of the pandemic, which made many couples only have each other for all their social and emotional needs, sometimes pushing the relationship to its breaking point.
But loneliness in marriage isn’t all in your head—it can hurt your health. Tulane University’s School of Public Health reports that long-term loneliness is associated with depression, anxiety, compromised immunity, and even a higher risk of cardiovascular disease. When you feel isolated, you might also forgo self-care, avoid healthy routines, or experience sleep problems.
So, what do you do when you’re lonely in your marriage? The initial step is to discuss it. It may be frightening, but speaking with your spouse about what you’re experiencing can be a game-changer. Avoid blame—be honest about your feelings and needs, not accusatory. As the Abundance Therapy Center suggests, speaking in “I” statements and listening actively can keep the interaction constructive.
Quality time matters, too. It’s easy to let life’s demands push your relationship to the back burner, but carving out moments for just the two of you—whether it’s a weekly date night or simply going to bed at the same time—can help rebuild your sense of partnership. Even small rituals, like sharing a meal or taking a walk together, can make a difference.
Empathy is another effective antidote for loneliness. Focus on the Family explains how seeing your spouse’s burdens—and hearing about yours—can create greater connection. At times, simply asking your spouse where he or she feels most alone and listening to his or her response can provide new avenues to intimacy.
Don’t undervalue the value of self-connection, either. As Celebrate Again points out, feeling disconnected from your partner tends to begin with feeling disconnected from yourself. Making time for self-reflection, knowing your own needs, and fueling your growth can serve to make you show up more truly in your relationship.
If you’ve tried these steps and still feel stuck, reaching out for professional help can be transformative. Couples therapy or individual counseling can provide a safe space to explore underlying issues, rebuild trust, and learn new ways to communicate and connect.
Loneliness in marriage is a hard, sometimes wordless battle—but it doesn’t have to be a sentence. By being honest, compassionate, and willing to get reconnected (with both your partner and yourself), you can recover the togetherness you long for. Every relationship has downs, but with intention and love, you can get from alone together to really being together.